Satire for emotionally resilient adults
SEDONA, AZ — In a shocking admission that has left both conspiracy groups and ordinary citizens unsettled, a 42-year-old crystal-shop inventory clerk confessed this week that he actually believes in germs. The clerk, previously best known for warning neighbors that sneezes were “deep state Wi-Fi attacks,” stunned his online followers when he casually remarked that … Read more
In a discovery hailed as both “deeply disturbing” and “weirdly practical,” a 54-year-old homemaker and part-time couponing blogger reported yesterday that a severed human head has been keeping her refrigerator produce fresher than any name-brand humidity drawer or crisper setting she’s tried. According to the homemaker, the unexpected preservation benefits began after an unidentified organic … Read more
In a surprising twist on public health strategy, researchers at the National Institute of Behavioral Discipline have identified bed bug infestations as “one of the most effective deterrents to sexual activity available in modern society.” The findings, published in the Journal of Itchy Ethics, reveal that individuals exposed to even mild infestations reported a 98% … Read more
After what friends are calling a “pretty solid third date,” a 31-year-old regional logistics coordinator reportedly attempted to maintain the mood by reassuring his partner that his herpes outbreak was “strictly mouth-based.” The statement was delivered from beneath a shared bedsheet pulled conspicuously high over both of their faces—like a hostage negotiation but sexier. “It’s … Read more
First came the juice cleanses. Then Ozempic. Now, celebrities are embracing a weight loss strategy that’s been around since the Middle Ages: inviting a parasitic worm to brunch. Dubbed “Tapeworm Buddy” by PR teams who think diseases just need better branding, the new trend involves microdosing GLP-1 medication while casually fostering a tapeworm named something … Read more
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A new longitudinal study released Wednesday by researchers at the Institute for Adolescent Behavioral Patterns has confirmed what scientists, gym teachers, and poorly supervised Google search histories have long suspected: teenage boys remain “deeply, almost spiritually” fascinated by large breasts. “Honestly, the data was overwhelming,” said Dr. Lisa Freeman, lead researcher and … Read more
Federal officials issued a Level 2 Body Odor Advisory on Sunday as record-setting heat and prolonged deodorant fatigue placed over 80 million Americans at risk of contributing to “regionally significant stank conditions.” The advisory, which affects large portions of the South, Midwest, and parts of the Northeast, urges residents to limit close-contact activities, avoid public … Read more
In what experts are calling “a perfect storm of body dysmorphia, podcast masculinity, and unchecked confidence,” demand for oversized testicle implants has quietly exploded. The procedure, unofficially dubbed “ballmaxxing,” has become increasingly popular among men in their late 20s to early 40s, particularly those who refer to themselves unironically as “alpha-minded.” “I just wanted to … Read more
CLEVELAND, OH — A recent study conducted by the National Institute for Behavioral Excuses has revealed a sharp uptick in midday alcohol consumption among stay-at-home parents, with many children reporting this development as “a welcome improvement.” “She’s just… happier now,” said 7-year-old Milo, referring to his mother, Stephanie, who recently began incorporating what she calls … Read more
SPOKANE, WA — In a story described by experts as “an inevitable moment in every child’s nightmares,” 52-year-old Craig Dobbins finally discovered the true meaning of the eggplant emoji this week—and immediately had questions. “Why is this the symbol?” Craig asked aloud at a Chili’s while holding up his Android screen, the brightness all the … Read more