SPOKANE, WA — In a story described by experts as “an inevitable moment in every child’s nightmares,” 52-year-old Craig Dobbins finally discovered the true meaning of the eggplant emoji this week—and immediately had questions.
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“Why is this the symbol?” Craig asked aloud at a Chili’s while holding up his Android screen, the brightness all the way up. “It’s misleading. Mine’s more… curved. And less glossy.”
Craig’s revelation reportedly occurred after he responded “Can’t wait to see you 🍆😏” in a professional Slack thread about team-building exercises. The message was meant for his wife, but instead went to Brenda in HR, who later described the moment as “both inappropriate and tragically off-base.”
Craig, who previously thought emojis were “just cartoon fruit for women and Europeans,” spent most of Tuesday asking increasingly uncomfortable clarifying questions like:
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- “Is the peach the butt?”
- “What does the sweat one mean again?”
- “Why are there three dragons?”
Family members say this isn’t the first time Craig’s digital awakening has gone poorly. In 2020, he tried to send condolences using a laughing face and once called the poop emoji “a mole in a hat.”
His teenage daughter, Kelsey, has since blocked him on every platform and reportedly moved her therapy session to twice a week.