Children’s Urine Bringing Nice Yellow Hue To Spring’s Roses
Children unknowingly transform roses with urine, saving city money on fertilizers and bringing unexpected vibrancy to public gardens.
Wyoming Governor’s Race Decided by Whoever Owns Most Cattle Named After Reagan
Wyoming counted its ballots Tuesday out of respect for tradition, then went out to the pasture to find out who actually won. The margin came down to a heifer born at 4 a.m. and named on the walk to the barn.
Dog Ready To Bite If You Don’t Stop Posting Shit About Him Online
A golden retriever named Mr. Barkley prepares legal action against his owner’s relentless embarrassing social media posts.
Ticketmaster Now Requires Photo ID, Selfie, And Notarized Confession Of Enthusiasm
Photo ID proves you exist and the selfie proves you’re awake, but only a notarized affidavit can prove you actually want to see the band. Loyalty members, sources say, can buy their way out of sincerity for forty bucks.
Premature Man Burns More Calories Brushing Teeth Than Having Sex
Reports indicate sex’s calorie burn is void if a condom is left inside, challenging conventional wisdom and introducing a new fitness complication.
White House Moves Iran Goalposts to Undisclosed Location for Their Own Safety
Officials insist the goalposts have not moved, merely relocated, and only because hostile actors had begun measuring them. They are now resting comfortably in a storage unit in Sterling, Virginia, beside a jet ski and a dead man’s exercise bike.
Deputy AG Vows Total Independence From White House Pending Approval From White House
The nation’s second-highest law enforcement officer wants you to know that no one in the White House tells him what to do. He’d say more, but he’s waiting on a text back.
Man With Finely Shaved Balls Wasted Morning As Doctor Didn’t Check For Hernia
Man meticulously shaves, hospital doesn’t bother checking hernia, illustrating healthcare’s indifference to personal grooming sacrifice.
Billionaire Devastated To Learn Buying Everything Comes With Paperwork
A man who has purchased nearly every asset class on earth spent Tuesday discovering that each one comes with a form, and that the form wants his actual hand. By 4 p.m. he was at the DMV holding number 114.
NFL+ Buffers Through Entire Preseason Game, Somehow Improving It
NFL+ froze on a gray rectangle for three hours and eleven minutes Thursday night, and subscribers agree it was the finest football broadcast the service has ever produced. The league is reportedly exploring how to charge extra for it.