Lifetime-Guarantee Frying Pan Outlives Owner, Sells For $3 At Estate Sale
A 1979 warranty promised the pan would last a lifetime, and it did — his, not its.
Wearable Says Biological Age 31, Prostate Says Nice Try
Satire & Parody NoticeFried Ocean is a work of satire and news parody. All names, characters, businesses, and events are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to real persons or actual events is coincidental or for comedic effect.
Eleven Minutes Of Weightlessness Cures Billionaire Of Nothing
A logistics billionaire submits to a full post-flight inventory of everything the overview effect failed to fix.
Diner Finishes 19 Courses, Drives Home Half-Erect For Cereal
A man reckons with the $435 nineteen-course experience that stimulated everything except his hunger.
HOA Fence-Height Hearing Enters Fourth Hour Of Nazi Comparisons
The fence is six inches too tall, and by hour four everyone in the clubhouse has been compared to the Third Reich at least once.
Man Makes Third Installment Payment On Burrito He Shat Out In August
A local man on honoring a four-payment financing agreement for a burrito that stopped existing eleven hours after purchase.
Finance Influencer’s Nine Income Streams All Flow From Men Who Have None
Nine tabs, nine colors, nine revenue lines — and not one dollar that entered the system from anyone who had one.
Woman Rinses Yogurt Cup 40 Seconds Before Waste Management Ships It 8,000 Miles To Malaysia
The cup arrived in Port Klang in excellent condition, officials confirmed, before being burned in an open pit alongside 900 pounds of similarly spotless American packaging.
Pharma Ad Rushes In Third Golden Retriever To Distract From Rectal Bleeding Warning
On Soundstage 4, a third golden retriever waits in the wings, because forty seconds in, somebody has to say “rectal bleeding” out loud on basic cable.
Pastor Reports Congregation’s Seed Money Has Fully Blossomed Into Gulfstream
A megachurch pastor explains, from a folding pulpit on the tarmac, exactly whose harvest the congregation’s seed money became.