CLEVELAND, OH — A recent study conducted by the National Institute for Behavioral Excuses has revealed a sharp uptick in midday alcohol consumption among stay-at-home parents, with many children reporting this development as “a welcome improvement.”
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“She’s just… happier now,” said 7-year-old Milo, referring to his mother, Stephanie, who recently began incorporating what she calls a “self-care chardonnay” into her 11 a.m. routine. “She doesn’t yell at the dog anymore. And yesterday she let me use scissors with no supervision. It was awesome.”
Experts cite a combination of post-pandemic burnout, relentless Pinterest expectations, and the complete collapse of quiet time as contributing factors to what is being unofficially called “Cabernet Kindergarten.”
One local mom, who requested anonymity but posted about it publicly on Instagram, described the shift as “liberating.”
“I used to feel guilty drinking before 5,” she said, swirling her mimosa in a plastic sippy cup. “Now I just call it emotional microdosing. The kids don’t mind. In fact, they said I’m way more fun now.”
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Not all reactions have been positive. A group of Montessori dads has reportedly formed a support group called “Dads Against Daylight Drinking (DADD)”, claiming the trend is “detrimental to family structure and the sanctity of almond milk.”
But many children disagree.
“She dances more,” said 5-year-old Isla. “She stopped caring about screen time limits. I got four hours of Bluey and a Lunchable dinner. I hope she’s sad forever.”
As of press time, sales of boxed wine, adult sippy cups, and Bluetooth breathalyzers have all surged, prompting one market analyst to dub the trend:
“Rosé-colored parenting.”