Mosquito Full Hours Ago, Now Biting Strictly For Recreation
Mosquitoes redefine dull surprises, now reported to bite for fun—introducing recreational bloodsucking…
Man Surprised At How Much Nicer Everyone Is Acting Now That He’s Carrying A Holstered Gun
Local man finds societal warmth inversely proportional to uneasiness around his visible…
Song Reminds Man Of Magical Evening He Lost Virginity To Voluptuous Watermelon
Antoine Blevins, reminded of his unique virginity loss to a watermelon, reflects…
College Freshman Calculates That Free Capital One T-Shirt Is Worth The 36% APR Over 30 Years
Freshman justifies lifelong debt for free T-shirt, humorously underscoring financial absurdity in…
Local Mom In SUV Cannot Believe The Selfishness Of Children Who Run Across Streets During Important Texts
Local mom critiques children for interrupting vital texting with their street crossing,…
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Pubic Hair Shampoo Startup’s $40M Seed Round Looking Increasingly Foolish After Brazilian Launch
Mane Street Grooming Co.’s ambitious $40M pubic hair shampoo fails…
Considerate Neighbor With Binoculars Pleased To Report Carpet Matches Curtains
A neighbor, driven by binoculars and determination, confirms his community’s…
Kids’ Brownie Stand Outside Weed Shop Has Pulled In $1,400 In Three Hours, Mostly From Same Six Guys
Kids earn $1,400 in a few hours selling brownies outside…
Mom Sending Middle Finger Emojis To Family Group Chat Fully Aware Of What They Mean
An NJ mom using middle finger emojis stuns family’s group…
Man Caught Picking Nose Just Glad No One Noticed He Was Also Masturbating
Harold Pickens was caught nose-picking, distracting from his simultaneous public…
SF Home Seller Accepts 47 Shares Of Anthropic, $3M Cash, And Permission To Keep The Bathroom Cameras Running
Couple outbids by $200,000 for a house, unfazed by a…
Author Decides Autobiography Is OK, But Might Be Better With Just One More Murder
Philomena Cruz adds fictional murders to her memoir in desperate…
Turns Out There Are Better Places To Wear Your Oura Ring Than Around Your Penis
John Periwinkle gets a slight limp after wearing an Apple…
Gary Charging $400 To Bury Pets In His Front Lawn, No Questions Asked
Suburban homeowners monetize lawns as cemeteries with “Rest in Prosperity”…
Affluent Couple Speeding Through Wine Country Yells At Sober Drivers To Get Off The Fucking Road
Wealthy couple views drunk driving as trivial in wine country,…
Man Finally Has The Headspace On Tulum Vacation To Finish His Ransom Note
Man uses vacation in Tulum to finally complete his long-delayed…
Tired Host Lights Cat-Piss Candle, Hopes Guests Take The Hint
Hosts’ candle releases cat urine scent mid-party; manufacturer calls it…
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