Song Reminds Man Of Magical Evening He Lost Virginity To Voluptuous Watermelon
Antoine Blevins, reminded of his unique virginity loss to a watermelon, reflects…
College Freshman Calculates That Free Capital One T-Shirt Is Worth The 36% APR Over 30 Years
Freshman justifies lifelong debt for free T-shirt, humorously underscoring financial absurdity in…
Local Mom In SUV Cannot Believe The Selfishness Of Children Who Run Across Streets During Important Texts
Local mom critiques children for interrupting vital texting with their street crossing,…
Hardass Kid Doesn’t Need To Wear Bullshit Shinguards
10-year-old Garrett Mooney dismisses shin protection as pointless, and the town’s recreational…
Pubic Hair Shampoo Startup’s $40M Seed Round Looking Increasingly Foolish After Brazilian Launch
Mane Street Grooming Co.’s ambitious $40M pubic hair shampoo fails to stir…
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Kids’ Brownie Stand Outside Weed Shop Has Pulled In $1,400 In Three Hours, Mostly From Same Six Guys
Kids earn $1,400 in a few hours selling brownies outside…
Mom Sending Middle Finger Emojis To Family Group Chat Fully Aware Of What They Mean
An NJ mom using middle finger emojis stuns family’s group…
Man Caught Picking Nose Just Glad No One Noticed He Was Also Masturbating
Harold Pickens was caught nose-picking, distracting from his simultaneous public…
SF Home Seller Accepts 47 Shares Of Anthropic, $3M Cash, And Permission To Keep The Bathroom Cameras Running
Couple outbids by $200,000 for a house, unfazed by a…
Author Decides Autobiography Is OK, But Might Be Better With Just One More Murder
Philomena Cruz adds fictional murders to her memoir in desperate…
Turns Out There Are Better Places To Wear Your Oura Ring Than Around Your Penis
John Periwinkle gets a slight limp after wearing an Apple…
Gary Charging $400 To Bury Pets In His Front Lawn, No Questions Asked
Suburban homeowners monetize lawns as cemeteries with “Rest in Prosperity”…
Affluent Couple Speeding Through Wine Country Yells At Sober Drivers To Get Off The Fucking Road
Wealthy couple views drunk driving as trivial in wine country,…
Man Finally Has The Headspace On Tulum Vacation To Finish His Ransom Note
Man uses vacation in Tulum to finally complete his long-delayed…
Tired Host Lights Cat-Piss Candle, Hopes Guests Take The Hint
Hosts’ candle releases cat urine scent mid-party; manufacturer calls it…
400 Million Sperm Melt Unnoticed Into Ron’s Drink At Fertility Clinic Holiday Party
Holiday mishap at fertility clinic party leads to melted futures…
Orthodontist Maintains Intense Eye Contact As Patient Bites Down
Orthodontist Gregory Lance’s obsession with dental perfection fuels a bizarre…
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