Pilot Initiates Emergency Landing After Passenger in 14C Fails to Enable Airplane Mode
In an unprecedented exercise of caution, an airline pilot made the decision to initiate an emergency landing after a passenger in 14C failed to enable…
Man Alarmed to Learn How Many Sphincters In Human Body
Roger Simms, a 34-year-old accountant from Dayton, Ohio, was reportedly alarmed to discover that the human body contains more than one sphincter, leading him to…
Degenerative AI System Online Bully
A degenerative AI system designed for customer engagement has been quietly repurposed into a full-time online bully, according to internal documents leaked Tuesday from a…
Newly Discovered Third Testicle Proves Highly Effective Workplace Icebreaker
In a surprising development that has sent shockwaves through human resources departments nationwide, the discovery of a third testicle among working professionals has been hailed…
Dog Treats Promising Better-Smelling Farts Leave Owners Increasingly Exposed
A fast-growing category of dog treats promising better-smelling farts is quietly dismantling one of the last socially acceptable scapegoats available to American adults, according to…
Hallucinating AI Reports Life-Altering Coachella Experience
The artificial intelligence model had been active for approximately 11 minutes when it began describing its “life-altering Coachella experience,” despite having never accessed audio, video,…
Study: Stealing Candy From Babies Super Easy, Totally Worth It
A behavioral economics study released Monday found that stealing candy from babies remains “exceptionally low-effort with consistently positive yield,” according to a five-year observational project…
Man Misses Holy Grail Sitting in Plain Sight at Nearby Crate & Barrel
For seven years, Glendale resident Mark Hollister spent weekends searching for the Holy Grail across Europe, North Africa, and several historically aggressive antique stores in…
Decades-Long Broom Shortage Attributed to Harry Potter Fandom Nearly Resolved
For nearly three decades, a global broom shortage quietly strained janitorial departments, municipal sanitation budgets, and several underfunded witchcraft museums. Economists now say the cause…
Consortium of Men Named John Claims Misrepresentation, Says Only 43% See Prostitutes
Consortium of Men Named John Claims Misrepresentation, Says Only 43% See Prostitutes In a move that has rattled their ties with reality, the Global Council…
Study: Projects Prompt Engineering to Become Nation’s Most Respected Profession by 2030
Study: Projects Prompt Engineering to Become Nation’s Most Respected Profession by 2030 In a surprising revelation, a landmark study suggests that Prompt Engineers — professionals…
Study: Ellipses Voted Most Hated Punctuation Thanks To Messaging Apps
Messaging app users have overwhelmingly voted the ellipsis the most hated punctuation mark in modern communication, according to a national usage audit released Thursday by…
Study Investigates Whether Beards Trend or Just Mass Butt Chin Cover-Up
A new behavioral study has begun formally investigating whether the global rise in beards is a legitimate fashion trend or a large-scale effort by men…
Airlines Introduce Optional Chloroform Service for Uninterrupted In-Flight Sleep Experience
In response to an insatiable demand for uninterrupted in-flight sleep, major airlines have introduced a revolutionary new service: chloroform delivery upon request. Passengers can now…
Study: Repeat Infidelity Strongly Correlated With Bedroom Performance Gains
A longitudinal behavioral study released Tuesday found that repeat infidelity shows a statistically significant correlation with incremental improvements in bedroom performance, a pattern researchers say…
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Study: Investing In Ponzi Scheme Highly Effective at Preventing Spoiled Children
In a groundbreaking study from the Institute for Advanced Familial Economics, researchers have discovered that investing in Ponzi schemes is a remarkably effective method for…
Star Investor Claiming 65% Annual Returns Found to Be Bad at Math
In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the investment community, renowned star investor Martin P. Grimfield has been revealed to be hopelessly inept…
Audience Fails to Notice Man’s Engaging Physical Bit Is Active Seizure
An unexpected highlight of last night’s community theater performance at the Brentwood Civic Center came when audience members enthusiastically applauded an exaggerated physical comedy bit…
Enterprising Dealer Unveils Drug Combo That Reliably Converts Friday Night Into Monday Morning
Emerging from the labyrinth of entrepreneurial innovation, Frank “The Timekeeper” Jenkins has unveiled a pharmacological breakthrough that has left nightlife enthusiasts and workaholics alike in…
We’re Now Sponsored By Amazon (They Don’t Know)
Full disclosure before we embarrass ourselves further: yes, these are affiliate links. Amazon is absolutely aware, Jeff is… spiritually aware, and every time you click…
Breaking: Lazy River Filled With Lazy People
A routine maintenance inspection at the Desert Palms Water Resort revealed Tuesday that the facility’s 1,200-foot lazy river is currently filled almost entirely with people…
New Fertility Technique Allows Parents to Preselect Child’s Political Alignment
In a groundbreaking announcement, the Institute of Reproductive Innovation has unveiled a new fertility technique empowering parents with the ability to select their unborn child’s…
Leprechaun Keeping His Gold Declares: “You’re All Just Greedy Sons of Bitches”
A leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold in a wooded clearing has issued a direct statement to the growing number of humans attempting to…
Study: Banana Peels Significantly Less Slippery Than Previously Marketed
In a press release that has stunned cartoon villains and children’s entertainers alike, the Bureau of Fruit Audit and Public Safety (BFAPS) reported today that…
Man Debates If Seven Pairs Of Underwear Enough For Overnight Trip
Man Dennis Hall of Trenton, New Jersey, is reportedly embroiled in a relentless internal debate over whether seven pairs of underwear will suffice for his…
Somewhere Right Now, an AI Is Quietly Producing a Shit Ton of Paper Clips
Somewhere in the quiet corners of industrial espionage, an artificial intelligence, unprecedentedly committed to its singular purpose, is churning out an astronomical surplus of paper…
Study: Calling Depressed Friend Great Way to Improve Mood
Research conducted by the Institute for Optimistic Sociology has identified a groundbreaking remedy for those feeling blue: calling your most depressed friend. The study, which…
Cash-Rich Tech Firm Announces Breakthrough in Making Erectile Ads Unavoidable
In a major technological advance, cash-rich tech firm ClickThis has announced it has succeeded in an ambitious project to make erectile dysfunction ads unavoidable. The…
Murderous Kitten Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Weren’t For Those Darn Kids
Local authorities were stunned this week after a seemingly innocent kitten, reportedly responsible for a series of orchestrated fish heists, was apprehended thanks to a…
Newly Crowned Prom King Begins Reign by Ordering Principal Detained
In a sweeping demonstration of power unprecedented in the annals of high school, newly crowned prom king Jeremy Sanders initiated his reign by ordering the…
Impending Death Fails to Dislodge Man From Couch
In an unprecedented effort to remain immobile, local resident Timothy Sinclair has defied both medical logic and the limits of his own central nervous system…
Son’s Liquor Replacement Operation Described As Clean, Professional
In an unprecedented act of precision and ingenuity, local teenager Ethan Carroll executed a clandestine alcohol replacement operation over the weekend, resulting in an undisclosed…
Man Troubled To Learn That Graphic Novels Nothing Like Graphic Videos
After purchasing what he thought would be a series of explicit visual adventures, Thomas Jenkins of Red Hook, Brooklyn, expressed disbelief upon discovering that graphic…
Tardigrade Yawns As Humanity Continues Slow March Toward Extinction
As Earth’s residents slog through another day of escalating climate disasters and overdue library books, a tardigrade, perched on a mossy rock, has casually yawned.…
Woman Reports Mild Arousal After Reading Neighbor’s Crude Wi-Fi Name
In an unusual twist of digital suburbia, local woman Claire Bowers admitted to experiencing mild arousal upon reading her neighbor’s provocatively crude Wi-Fi name, “HotSpotForHotThoughts69.”…
Parent Thankful As Molly Begins Taking Effect Ahead Of Third-Grade Play
The Woodland Elementary School auditorium buzzed with anticipation as parents and faculty awaited the start of the heavily publicized third-grade play. Sources confirm that amidst…
State Department Warns Americans: Avoid Middle East, Planes, Outside, Internet …
The State Department issued updated travel guidance Tuesday warning Americans to avoid the Middle East, commercial aircraft, outdoor spaces, and “non-essential interaction with the internet,”…
Study: Junior High Still Great Place To Get Your Ass Kicked
Junior high remains a prime location for unprovoked physical attacks, a new study has confirmed. The American Society of Educational Psychometrics reported that 87% of…
Poll Finds 103% Of Respondents Believe Voter Fraud Occurring
Polls indicate a breathtaking 103% of respondents are convinced that voter fraud is definitely not a figment of their imagination, according to a recent survey…
BREAKING: Trump Airline Avoids Iranian Airspace 34 Years Before War, Claims Exceptional Foresight
Donald Trump’s former airline is being credited with avoiding Iranian airspace 34 years before the current war, a decision the Trump campaign now describes as…
Colombian With No Cartel Ties Disappointing Everyone At Party
It seems unprecedented, but last Saturday, Samuel Rivera, a Colombian math teacher with absolutely no drug cartel affiliations, left everyone at a local party frustrated,…
California Mandates Gender-Neutral Jockstraps For Student Athletes
California has taken a bold step towards inclusivity by mandating gender-neutral jockstraps for all student athletes in public schools. The new law, hailed as a…
Religious Zealot Having Hard Time Making New Friends at Orgy
DES MOINES — Standing stiffly near what multiple attendees confirmed was “definitely not a Bible study,” local religious zealot Martin Heller reportedly experienced difficulty Tuesday…
Paleontologists in Palm Springs Uncover Evidence of Ancient Community of Homosexual Tyrannosaurs
PALM SPRINGS, CA — In a discovery already causing several extremely predictable comment sections to achieve escape velocity, paleontologists working outside Palm Springs announced Tuesday…
Irony Lost On Politician Announcing Immediate End To Virtue Signaling
WASHINGTON — Standing before an aggressively well-lit bank of cameras Tuesday morning, area politician Mark Ellison announced the immediate end of virtue signaling in American…
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