With Infowars Purchase, The Onion Plans Line of Penis Shrinking and Testosterone-Lowering Products
Within hours of acquiring Infowars, executives at The Onion approved a new…
Man Confident LinkedIn Email to 3rd-Degree Connection Will Solve Unemployment
Ryan Patel sent the message at 10:42 a.m. and immediately sat back…
Fart Unexpectedly Loud
A routine indoor air event escalated abruptly Tuesday when a fart of…
High School Teacher With Ivy League Degree Definitely Killed Someone
A high school teacher with an Ivy League degree has prompted quiet…
Recreational Folding Chair Confuses the Shit Out of Local Octogenarian
Harold Wexler, 84, spent 27 minutes Tuesday afternoon in his Pasadena backyard…
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Dog Barking in Middle of Night Ruins Extremely Promising Erotic Dream
In an unexpected incident of maladaptive canine behavior, a local…
Lizard Doing Push-Ups Still Weak as Shit
The western fence lizard performing aggressive push-ups on a sun-warmed…
Child Learns the Hard Way Cactus Not Fucking Around
Seven-year-old Tyler Mendez learned Tuesday afternoon that the cactus in…
Man Holding Door Open Confirmed Total Dick in All Other Contexts
A regional behavioral audit has confirmed that a man widely…
Firefighter Recruit Disappointed to Learn Job Involves More Than Topless Calendar
A firefighter recruit enrolled in a regional training academy confirmed…
Misguided Man Confident Blimp Cigar Bar Is Foolproof Business Idea
Local entrepreneur Daniel Krevitz spent most of Tuesday afternoon in…
Man Unsure Why Cartoon Duck Keeps Popping In Head While Masturbating
Local warehouse manager reports persistent cartoon duck intrusion during private…
Pilot Initiates Emergency Landing After Passenger in 14C Fails to Enable Airplane Mode
In an unprecedented exercise of caution, an airline pilot made…
Man Alarmed to Learn How Many Sphincters In Human Body
Roger Simms, a 34-year-old accountant from Dayton, Ohio, was reportedly…
Degenerative AI System Online Bully
A degenerative AI system designed for customer engagement has been…
Newly Discovered Third Testicle Proves Highly Effective Workplace Icebreaker
In a surprising development that has sent shockwaves through human…
Dog Treats Promising Better-Smelling Farts Leave Owners Increasingly Exposed
A fast-growing category of dog treats promising better-smelling farts is…
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