Star Investor Claiming 65% Annual Returns Found to Be Bad at Math
In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the investment community, renowned star investor Martin P. Grimfield has been revealed to be hopelessly inept…
Audience Fails to Notice Man’s Engaging Physical Bit Is Active Seizure
An unexpected highlight of last night’s community theater performance at the Brentwood Civic Center came when audience members enthusiastically applauded an exaggerated physical comedy bit…
Enterprising Dealer Unveils Drug Combo That Reliably Converts Friday Night Into Monday Morning
Emerging from the labyrinth of entrepreneurial innovation, Frank “The Timekeeper” Jenkins has unveiled a pharmacological breakthrough that has left nightlife enthusiasts and workaholics alike in…
We’re Now Sponsored By Amazon (They Don’t Know)
Full disclosure before we embarrass ourselves further: yes, these are affiliate links. Amazon is absolutely aware, Jeff is… spiritually aware, and every time you click…
Breaking: Lazy River Filled With Lazy People
A routine maintenance inspection at the Desert Palms Water Resort revealed Tuesday that the facility’s 1,200-foot lazy river is currently filled almost entirely with people…
New Fertility Technique Allows Parents to Preselect Child’s Political Alignment
In a groundbreaking announcement, the Institute of Reproductive Innovation has unveiled a new fertility technique empowering parents with the ability to select their unborn child’s…
Leprechaun Keeping His Gold Declares: “You’re All Just Greedy Sons of Bitches”
A leprechaun sitting on a pot of gold in a wooded clearing has issued a direct statement to the growing number of humans attempting to…
Study: Banana Peels Significantly Less Slippery Than Previously Marketed
In a press release that has stunned cartoon villains and children’s entertainers alike, the Bureau of Fruit Audit and Public Safety (BFAPS) reported today that…
Man Debates If Seven Pairs Of Underwear Enough For Overnight Trip
Man Dennis Hall of Trenton, New Jersey, is reportedly embroiled in a relentless internal debate over whether seven pairs of underwear will suffice for his…
Somewhere Right Now, an AI Is Quietly Producing a Shit Ton of Paper Clips
Somewhere in the quiet corners of industrial espionage, an artificial intelligence, unprecedentedly committed to its singular purpose, is churning out an astronomical surplus of paper…
Study: Calling Depressed Friend Great Way to Improve Mood
Research conducted by the Institute for Optimistic Sociology has identified a groundbreaking remedy for those feeling blue: calling your most depressed friend. The study, which…
Cash-Rich Tech Firm Announces Breakthrough in Making Erectile Ads Unavoidable
In a major technological advance, cash-rich tech firm ClickThis has announced it has succeeded in an ambitious project to make erectile dysfunction ads unavoidable. The…
Murderous Kitten Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Weren’t For Those Darn Kids
Local authorities were stunned this week after a seemingly innocent kitten, reportedly responsible for a series of orchestrated fish heists, was apprehended thanks to a…
Newly Crowned Prom King Begins Reign by Ordering Principal Detained
In a sweeping demonstration of power unprecedented in the annals of high school, newly crowned prom king Jeremy Sanders initiated his reign by ordering the…
Impending Death Fails to Dislodge Man From Couch
In an unprecedented effort to remain immobile, local resident Timothy Sinclair has defied both medical logic and the limits of his own central nervous system…
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Son’s Liquor Replacement Operation Described As Clean, Professional
In an unprecedented act of precision and ingenuity, local teenager Ethan Carroll executed a clandestine alcohol replacement operation over the weekend, resulting in an undisclosed…
Man Troubled To Learn That Graphic Novels Nothing Like Graphic Videos
After purchasing what he thought would be a series of explicit visual adventures, Thomas Jenkins of Red Hook, Brooklyn, expressed disbelief upon discovering that graphic…
Tardigrade Yawns As Humanity Continues Slow March Toward Extinction
As Earth’s residents slog through another day of escalating climate disasters and overdue library books, a tardigrade, perched on a mossy rock, has casually yawned.…
Woman Reports Mild Arousal After Reading Neighbor’s Crude Wi-Fi Name
In an unusual twist of digital suburbia, local woman Claire Bowers admitted to experiencing mild arousal upon reading her neighbor’s provocatively crude Wi-Fi name, “HotSpotForHotThoughts69.”…
Parent Thankful As Molly Begins Taking Effect Ahead Of Third-Grade Play
The Woodland Elementary School auditorium buzzed with anticipation as parents and faculty awaited the start of the heavily publicized third-grade play. Sources confirm that amidst…
State Department Warns Americans: Avoid Middle East, Planes, Outside, Internet …
The State Department issued updated travel guidance Tuesday warning Americans to avoid the Middle East, commercial aircraft, outdoor spaces, and “non-essential interaction with the internet,”…
Study: Junior High Still Great Place To Get Your Ass Kicked
Junior high remains a prime location for unprovoked physical attacks, a new study has confirmed. The American Society of Educational Psychometrics reported that 87% of…
Poll Finds 103% Of Respondents Believe Voter Fraud Occurring
Polls indicate a breathtaking 103% of respondents are convinced that voter fraud is definitely not a figment of their imagination, according to a recent survey…
BREAKING: Trump Airline Avoids Iranian Airspace 34 Years Before War, Claims Exceptional Foresight
Donald Trump’s former airline is being credited with avoiding Iranian airspace 34 years before the current war, a decision the Trump campaign now describes as…
Colombian With No Cartel Ties Disappointing Everyone At Party
It seems unprecedented, but last Saturday, Samuel Rivera, a Colombian math teacher with absolutely no drug cartel affiliations, left everyone at a local party frustrated,…
California Mandates Gender-Neutral Jockstraps For Student Athletes
California has taken a bold step towards inclusivity by mandating gender-neutral jockstraps for all student athletes in public schools. The new law, hailed as a…
Religious Zealot Having Hard Time Making New Friends at Orgy
DES MOINES — Standing stiffly near what multiple attendees confirmed was “definitely not a Bible study,” local religious zealot Martin Heller reportedly experienced difficulty Tuesday…
Paleontologists in Palm Springs Uncover Evidence of Ancient Community of Homosexual Tyrannosaurs
PALM SPRINGS, CA — In a discovery already causing several extremely predictable comment sections to achieve escape velocity, paleontologists working outside Palm Springs announced Tuesday…
Irony Lost On Politician Announcing Immediate End To Virtue Signaling
WASHINGTON — Standing before an aggressively well-lit bank of cameras Tuesday morning, area politician Mark Ellison announced the immediate end of virtue signaling in American…
Trump Taps President Camacho to Deliver Next State of the Union
WASHINGTON — Acknowledging that the American political system has entered what aides privately describe as its “high-decibel phase,” President Donald Trump is reportedly preparing to…
Fetish Friday Promotion Attracting Entirely New Customer Base To Taco Stand
LOS ANGELES, CA — What began as a lighthearted attempt to boost foot traffic has spiraled into a marketing case study no one asked for,…
Man Can’t Stop Thinking About How Delicious Neighbor’s Cat Looks
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local resident Daniel Whitaker, 43, reportedly spent another sleepless night this week battling with one relentless thought: just how mouthwateringly delicious his…
Perv Pillow Spends Most of Night Sniffing Woman’s Hair
In a disturbing revelation that has left both experts and bedding manufacturers unsettled, sources confirmed Thursday that a local pillow spent the majority of the…
Couple Willing To Include Gimp In Home Sale For The Right Price
BOULDER, CO — In a move that realtors are calling “unorthodox but technically legal,” a Boulder couple has announced they are open to including their…
Snail’s Shell No Match for Dickish Kid’s Sneaker
A neighborhood snail’s centuries-old evolutionary defense strategy proved completely useless Friday afternoon after it encountered the sneaker of a local child described by witnesses as…
Scientists Horrified To Discover Tap Water Contains Nearly Twice as Much Hydrogen as Oxygen
A new federally funded study has sent shockwaves through the scientific community after researchers revealed that U.S. tap water contains nearly double the amount of…
Cheerful Throw Pillow Really Livens Up Local Meth Den
SPOKANE, WA— Residents of a local methamphetamine lab confirmed Friday that a single throw pillow has dramatically brightened the otherwise bleak space, though only in…
Study Reveals 72% Believe Dinosaurs Went Extinct After Losing Revolutionary War
A new survey has revealed a stunning historical misconception: nearly three-quarters of American adults believe dinosaurs went extinct not due to an asteroid, but because…
Lonely Man’s Friday Evening Begins With Delightful Excavation of Belly Button
Local man Dennis Krawitz, 34, reported that his Friday night began “on a surprisingly high note” after he launched into what he described as a…
Unicorn Frustrated No One Sees It’s Just Donkey With Massive Tumor
Despite centuries of breathless folklore, breath mint commercials, and poorly-thought-out tattoos, the world’s most beloved magical creature confirmed Thursday that it is, in fact, nothing…
Amateur Porn Site Best Way to Learn About New Neighbors
Local residents report that a recently discovered amateur porn site has quickly become the most efficient way to learn about the personal lives of those…
Bird Desperately Searching For Your Car Can’t Hold It Much Longer
A small neighborhood bird has reportedly been circling the area for nearly 20 minutes, struggling to locate your specific car before its bowels inevitably betray…
In Stunning Development, Lamborghini Owner Also Packing Horsepower Below The Belt
Defying decades of crude cultural assumptions, local businessman and Lamborghini enthusiast Trevor Haskins has been confirmed to possess, in medical terms, “an absolutely unreasonable penis.”…
Father Shares Favorite Song With Son, Insists It Only Slaps When You’re Blackout Drunk
Local father Greg Walters proudly shared his all-time favorite rock anthem with his 13-year-old son on Friday night, insisting between sips of whiskey that the…
Time Traveler’s Dream of Riding Dinosaur Ends in Bloody Pulp
A man who spent his life building a time machine for the sole purpose of riding a dinosaur finally achieved his dream Thursday, only to…
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