Satire for emotionally resilient adults
BOISE, ID — After two decades of total isolation, 58-year-old Peter Langley returned to society this week with one hope: that the world would finally accept the anatomical anomaly he had long believed would change everything. That hope was crushed within minutes. “I really thought by now we’d evolved as a people,” Langley said, visibly … Read more
AUSTIN, TX — Defying all odds and several basic human instincts, 34-year-old Derek Mallory has overcome the daily challenges of being colorblind to successfully maintain deeply problematic views on race. “Everyone said I couldn’t do it,” Mallory told reporters while adjusting his red-tinted prescription lenses, “but I’ve always believed that with enough effort, hate finds … Read more
According to a new report published by the North American Behavioral Conditioning Group, early-life body shaming may be “an underutilized tool” in preparing infants for the realities of modern society. “Intervention between 3 and 7 months is ideal,” said Dr. Lynn Cartwell, lead researcher of the study. “That’s when their neural pathways are still flexible … Read more
WILMINGTON- Working hard to address a rise in teen addiction and abuse of prescription drugs, scientists believe they have finally come up with an answer to curbing this trend. In a new study to be released in two weeks, a team of top scientists argue that all prescription drugs should be converted into suppositories starting … Read more
In a bewildering twist of medical wisdom, cardiologists worldwide are left scratching their heads as primary care physicians sound the alarm: exercise might just be the quickest route to sprained ankles. Yes, you read that right. Cardiologists, renowned for their pursuit of healthy hearts and vigorous cardio workouts, are now caught in a bizarre conundrum. … Read more
SARATOGA SPRINGS- It’s an autumn ritual, but the shedding of leaves this year is causing some people to fear. It appears a growing cohort of skeptical individuals are interpreting the falling of leaves as an omen, giving rise to a concern that the sky might be next. “WTF? Doesn’t this happen every year?” We asked … Read more
GARLAND, TX- A new report from the Center of Canine Studies reconfirmed the long-held belief that dogs cannot talk. This is contrary to many accounts of pet owners. These owners report conversations – typically late night – with their pets on a range of topics. Authors of the study suggest that these false claims might … Read more
MINNEAPOLIS- As fans gear up for another football season, shadow looms tall over the NFL. The debate about concussion related injuries continues to plague the league. In fact, a recent report showed concussions rose to a six year high. Now, the NFL has an ingenious PR campaign to shift focus. A memo leaked by sources … Read more
WALNUT CREEK, CA- Not everyone in California is coping well with legal recreational marijuana. The state spent years studying the legislation. The impact on tax revenue and the intricacies of the supply chain are well detailed. However, one overlooked cohort continues to struggle with the adjustment: squirrels. As a result, packs of the stoned animals … Read more
In a bizarre turn of events, a man discovered that an erection lasting a full three hours is not the joyous adventure he had anticipated. Contrary to popular belief, it seems that prolonged tumescence can lead to unexpected challenges and an array of perplexing situations. Initially thrilled by the prospect of a marathon performance, our … Read more