SEDONA, AZ — In a shocking admission that has left both conspiracy groups and ordinary citizens unsettled, local man Dennis Howard confessed this week that he actually believes in germs.
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Howard, 42, previously best known for warning neighbors that sneezes were “deep state Wi-Fi attacks,” stunned his online followers when he casually remarked that invisible organisms might exist and could, in fact, make people sick.
“He said it like it was no big deal,” recalled one friend. “Like we’re all just supposed to nod along with this wild idea that microscopic bugs are crawling all over us. It was disgusting to hear.”
The fallout was immediate. Howard was banned from three Telegram groups within hours, denounced as a “germ simp,” and accused of being on the payroll of Purell. Former allies expressed fear that his reckless belief could spread to others.
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“First it’s germs,” warned one commenter. “Then he’ll start believing in vaccines, math, or his credit score. It’s a slippery slope.”
Experts say Howard’s embrace of germ theory highlights a growing trend of otherwise rational adults dabbling in dangerous mainstream science. “Germs are basically medical fairy tales,” said Dr. Janet Polk, a sociologist. “You can’t see them with your eyes, yet believers claim they’re everywhere. It’s disturbing that grown adults are still buying into that kind of fantasy.”
Neighbors report Howard has already adopted strange new habits like washing his hands and covering his mouth when coughing. “He used to be normal,” said one. “Now he’s acting like soap works. It’s sad to see.”
Despite widespread ridicule, Howard insists he stands by his discovery. “Laugh all you want,” he said. “But there are billions of germs on our skin right now. I know how crazy that sounds. But I believe it.”
For now, Howard remains ostracized — too extreme for fellow skeptics, too gullible for everyone else. Whether his shocking embrace of science will spread remains uncertain. But one thing is clear: in today’s world, nothing makes you look dumber than actually believing in germs.