Federal officials issued a Level 2 Body Odor Advisory on Sunday as record-setting heat and prolonged deodorant fatigue placed over 80 million Americans at risk of contributing to “regionally significant stank conditions.”
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The advisory, which affects large portions of the South, Midwest, and parts of the Northeast, urges residents to limit close-contact activities, avoid public transportation when possible, and “keep at least one arm’s length of distance between yourself and any visibly glistening adult male in a tank top.”
“We’re not saying people smell bad on purpose,” said Dr. Elaine Chark of the National Hygiene Monitoring Authority. “We’re saying the atmosphere is currently incapable of supporting the sheer volume of unwashed armpits. It’s a math problem.”
The advisory comes after a surge in what officials are calling “odor-related incidents” — including multiple gym evacuations, one water park closure, and an entire office building in Cincinnati being abandoned due to an HVAC system circulating “unforgivable levels of moist denim and Axe body spray.”
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In urban areas, the situation has reached crisis levels. New York City has reportedly deployed “mobile Febreze units” in several high-traffic subway stations. Los Angeles, meanwhile, has asked residents to “either shower or manifest a cleaner vibe.”
Retailers are struggling to keep up. According to industry analysts, deodorant and body wipe sales have spiked 340%, leading to what some are calling “the Great Swipe Shortage.”
“This is worse than the pandemic,” said CVS manager Liam Trask. “Back then it was toilet paper. Now people are fighting over the last stick of Old Spice like it’s a flu vaccine.”