Tuesday, January 6, 2026

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LOS ANGELES, CA — What began as a lighthearted attempt to boost foot traffic has spiraled into a marketing case study no one asked for, as local taco stand El Señor Crunch confirmed Friday that its “Fetish Friday” promotion is attracting an entirely new demographic of customers—most of whom seem to be less interested...

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Bees Demand Compensation for Centuries of Unpaid Pollination Internship

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After what they describe as “hundreds of years of systemic exploitation,” a coalition of bees has formally demanded financial compensation for...

Romance Awkwardly Interrupted When Man Realizes He’s Still Wearing Condom From Earlier Date

CHICAGO, IL — A romantic evening reportedly ended in chaos Friday after Adam Fletcher, 32, bolted from his partner’s bedroom in what witnesses describe...

Dipshit Conspiracy Theorist Actually Believes in Germs

SEDONA, AZ — In a shocking admission that has left both conspiracy groups and ordinary citizens unsettled, local man Dennis Howard confessed this week...

Severed Head Surprisingly Effective at Keeping Refrigerated Vegetables Crisp

In a discovery hailed as both “deeply disturbing” and “weirdly practical,” local homemaker Sharon DeWitt reported yesterday that a severed human head has been...

Study: Bed Bugs Powerful Tool for Those Trying to Remain Abstinent

In a surprising twist on public health strategy, researchers at the National Institute of Behavioral Discipline have identified bed bug infestations as “one of...

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Olympic Committee Admits Curling Was Just a Dare That Got Out of Hand

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND — After decades of pretending otherwise, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) finally admitted today that curling—the sport involving brooms, ice, and what appear to be repurposed kitchen...

Earth Day Committee Accidentally Plants 2 Billion Invasive Species Trees

WASHINGTON, D.C. — What was meant to be the largest tree-planting initiative in human history has spiraled into what ecologists are calling “a biodiverse...

Hell Announces Massive Surplus of Torture Devices After Humanity Invents Twitter

HELL — Citing an unexpected redundancy in its centuries-old operations, Hell officials confirmed Thursday that a massive surplus of torture devices has accumulated in...

Study: Ancient Romans Regretted Spending Entire GDP on Fountains After Coin-Toss Revenue Stream Never Materialized

ROME — A new study released this week by the Institute for Misguided Economics confirmed that Ancient Romans expressed deep regret over spending their...

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