AI Companies Solve Safety Concerns By Making Regulator A Shareholder
Industry hails historic breakthrough after granting the nation’s top AI regulator equity in every company she oversees.
Politics
Missouri Redraws District Into Single 400-Mile Line Connecting Every Republican’s House
He didn’t gerrymander anything — gerrymandering implies a salamander, and a salamander has a body. What he drew is a garden hose four hundred miles long that touches every Republican mailbox in Missouri exactly once.
Man Down $40,000 On Election Odds Reassures Friends He Can’t Lose
After his third consecutive collapse, a local man walked five friends through a dry-erase board proving his $40,000 hole is structurally a win.
Democratic Party Announces Bold New Strategy of Waiting to See What Happens
The Democratic Party’s new strategy fits on one slide, and that slide is blank. The second slide is also blank, but in italics, because that’s the version with urgency.
Congressman Nails CEO With Zinger Rehearsed In Car, Adjourns
A four-term congressman workshops one devastating line in a parking garage, deploys it, and adjourns before anyone can ruin it with a response.
Wyoming Governor’s Race Decided by Whoever Owns Most Cattle Named After Reagan
Wyoming counted its ballots Tuesday out of respect for tradition, then went out to the pasture to find out who actually won. The margin came down to a heifer born at 4 a.m. and named on the walk to the barn.
White House Moves Iran Goalposts to Undisclosed Location for Their Own Safety
Officials insist the goalposts have not moved, merely relocated, and only because hostile actors had begun measuring them. They are now resting comfortably in a storage unit in Sterling, Virginia, beside a jet ski and a dead man’s exercise bike.
Deputy AG Vows Total Independence From White House Pending Approval From White House
The nation’s second-highest law enforcement officer wants you to know that no one in the White House tells him what to do. He’d say more, but he’s waiting on a text back.
Cheney’s Cardiologist Confirms He’s Seen Worse, Barely
The remark was accurate, the practice confirms — it was simply made in a hallway at 6:40 a.m. by a man holding a printout he described as “more of a weather event than a rhythm strip.” Meridian Cardiovascular Partners stands behind it, and would only prefer it had happened in a conference room.
Treasury Secretary Unveils Economic Tactics So Novel Nobody Can Explain Them
The Treasury Secretary opened with a full admission that no one, including him, could explain the new economic tactics. Bond yields moved eleven basis points anyway, on the strength of one word and a kitchen sponge.