Within hours of acquiring Infowars, executives at The Onion approved a new product line designed to shrink penises and lower testosterone, then moved directly into fulfillment. The decision was categorized internally as “meeting the audience where they already are,” which in this case meant taking years of conspiracy about forced hormonal suppression and converting it … Read more
Ryan Patel sent the message at 10:42 a.m. and immediately sat back in his chair like something irreversible had just been set in motion. The message was 94 words long, including “hope you’re doing well,” “came across your profile,” and “would love to connect.” It was sent to a third-degree LinkedIn connection who works at … Read more
Local entrepreneur Daniel Krevitz spent most of Tuesday afternoon in a windowless conference room at a Courtyard Marriott explaining why a blimp cigar bar represents what he called “the final frontier of premium leisure.” The 38-year-old logistics consultant unveiled a 64-slide investor presentation titled SkyLounge: The World’s First Elevated Cigar Experience, a business proposal centered … Read more
In a surprising development that has sent shockwaves through human resources departments nationwide, the discovery of a third testicle among working professionals has been hailed as the ultimate workplace icebreaker. Extensive research by the American Association of Unlikely Anatomical Anomalies reveals that the possession of a tertiary gonad significantly boosts team cohesion and creativity, according … Read more
For nearly three decades, a global broom shortage quietly strained janitorial departments, municipal sanitation budgets, and several underfunded witchcraft museums. Economists now say the cause was neither supply chains nor wood scarcity, but the sustained consumer behavior of the Harry Potter fandom. A new report from the International Association of Practical Sweeping found that between … Read more
Study: Projects Prompt Engineering to Become Nation’s Most Respected Profession by 2030 In a surprising revelation, a landmark study suggests that Prompt Engineers — professionals dedicated to ensuring human beings arrive at places on time — are on track to become the most admired occupational class in America by 2030, ranking just above neurosurgeons and … Read more
Messaging app users have overwhelmingly voted the ellipsis the most hated punctuation mark in modern communication, according to a national usage audit released Thursday by the Institute for Digital Tone Interpretation. The study found that 68% of respondents associate “…” with passive aggression, emotional disappointment, or a parent attempting to send a text message. Researchers … Read more
In response to an insatiable demand for uninterrupted in-flight sleep, major airlines have introduced a revolutionary new service: chloroform delivery upon request. Passengers can now enjoy the total absence of consciousness as they are whisked through the skies, anticipating nothing but the abrupt change in scenery upon landing. A statement from the Airline Innovation Council … Read more
In a groundbreaking study from the Institute for Advanced Familial Economics, researchers have discovered that investing in Ponzi schemes is a remarkably effective method for preventing spoiled children. The study, spanning two decades and involving thousands of families, suggests that diving headfirst into financial oblivion instills long-lasting fiscal responsibility in the offspring left in its … Read more
In a stunning development that has sent shockwaves through the investment community, renowned star investor Martin P. Grimfield has been revealed to be hopelessly inept at basic arithmetic. Grimfield, who has long claimed an apparently miraculous 65% annual return on investments, was found to have been grossly miscalculating his performance statistics for over a decade. … Read more
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