Eleven Minutes Of Weightlessness Cures Billionaire Of Nothing
A logistics billionaire submits to a full post-flight inventory of everything the overview effect failed to fix.
Business
Man Makes Third Installment Payment On Burrito He Shat Out In August
A local man on honoring a four-payment financing agreement for a burrito that stopped existing eleven hours after purchase.
Finance Influencer’s Nine Income Streams All Flow From Men Who Have None
Nine tabs, nine colors, nine revenue lines — and not one dollar that entered the system from anyone who had one.
Woman Rinses Yogurt Cup 40 Seconds Before Waste Management Ships It 8,000 Miles To Malaysia
The cup arrived in Port Klang in excellent condition, officials confirmed, before being burned in an open pit alongside 900 pounds of similarly spotless American packaging.
Man Copy-Pasting Between Claude And ChatGPT Realizes He Is Middleware
After eleven consecutive handoffs between two chatbots, an Austin claims analyst concludes that his job title should be a networking term.
Unlimited PTO Enters Third Year With Nobody Brave Enough To Test It
The company gave everyone infinite vacation days, and the staff responded by inventing a smaller, more terrifying number.
Man Down $40,000 On Election Odds Reassures Friends He Can’t Lose
After his third consecutive collapse, a local man walked five friends through a dry-erase board proving his $40,000 hole is structurally a win.
Retirement Calculator Suggests Man Retire At 81, Die At 79
A free online retirement tool congratulated an Ohio man on a disciplined savings plan with a projected retirement horizon of negative two years.
Drugstore Locks Up Deodorant, Fires The Only Employee With A Key
The case is working perfectly: zero units of deodorant have left the building, with or without payment.
Nation Honors Labor Movement By Making 4 Million People Work Holiday Weekend
The nation’s employers have issued a joint statement expressing profound gratitude to the labor movement, which fought and bled so that four million people could be scheduled this Saturday. There will be a sixty-second moment of reflection at 4:52 a.m., and because reflection is not a task, it is unpaid.