SPRINGFIELD, IL — A 43-year-old residential HVAC estimator reportedly spent another sleepless night this week battling with one relentless thought: just how mouthwateringly delicious his neighbor’s fluffy gray cat would taste if ever given the chance.
You own nine spatulas and all of them are slightly melted. We can help: Stuff to Buy Before Anyone Sees Your Kitchen
According to sources close to the situation, the estimator first noticed the feline several months ago while retrieving his mail. “It was sitting there on the porch like it owned the block,” the estimator told reporters, describing the cat as “an arrogant little meatball with fur.” He claims the idea of roasting it over an open flame “slipped into his brain uninvited” and has since taken up permanent residence.
“I know it’s wrong. I know society frowns on this kind of thing,” the estimator admitted while staring out his kitchen window, eyes fixed on the cat as it licked its paws. “But every time I see those tender little haunches, my mouth waters. It’s like God Himself wrapped dinner in a layer of fuzz and told me not to touch.”
Neighbors say they’ve noticed the estimator lingering outside longer than usual, clutching spices in his pockets “just in case.” One resident, a retired school-bus dispatcher, claimed she saw him scrolling marinades on Pinterest with a frightening degree of focus.
Today we have been authorized to sell you the "We Demand Your Silence" tee.
Experts suggest that the estimator may be experiencing a psychological phenomenon where intrusive thoughts spiral into obsessive culinary fantasies. “It’s not uncommon for people to imagine strange things,” said a clinical psychologist affiliated with the Midwestern Institute for Compulsive Appetite Studies. “But most stop short of pricing out side dishes to go with the neighbor’s beloved family pet.”
Despite his disturbing fixation, the estimator insists he has no plans to act. “I’d never hurt the little guy,” he said while Googling ‘cat meat internal temp safe to eat.’ “But if it ever wandered into my kitchen and politely asked to hop in the oven, who am I to say no?”
At press time, the cat was reportedly seen sunning itself on the hood of the estimator’s car, prompting him to mutter, “God, that would go great with a squeeze of lemon.”