First came the juice cleanses. Then Ozempic. Now, celebrities are embracing a weight loss strategy that’s been around since the Middle Ages: inviting a parasitic worm to brunch. Dubbed “Tapeworm Buddy” by PR teams who think diseases just need better branding, the new trend involves microdosing GLP-1 medication while casually fostering a tapeworm named something … Read more
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A new longitudinal study released Wednesday by researchers at the Institute for Adolescent Behavioral Patterns has confirmed what scientists, gym teachers, and poorly supervised Google search histories have long suspected: teenage boys remain “deeply, almost spiritually” fascinated by large breasts. “Honestly, the data was overwhelming,” said Dr. Lisa Freeman, lead researcher and … Read more
Federal officials issued a Level 2 Body Odor Advisory on Sunday as record-setting heat and prolonged deodorant fatigue placed over 80 million Americans at risk of contributing to “regionally significant stank conditions.” The advisory, which affects large portions of the South, Midwest, and parts of the Northeast, urges residents to limit close-contact activities, avoid public … Read more
In what experts are calling “a perfect storm of body dysmorphia, podcast masculinity, and unchecked confidence,” demand for oversized testicle implants has quietly exploded. The procedure, unofficially dubbed “ballmaxxing,” has become increasingly popular among men in their late 20s to early 40s, particularly those who refer to themselves unironically as “alpha-minded.” “I just wanted to … Read more
CLEVELAND, OH — A recent study conducted by the National Institute for Behavioral Excuses has revealed a sharp uptick in midday alcohol consumption among stay-at-home parents, with many children reporting this development as “a welcome improvement.” “She’s just… happier now,” said 7-year-old Milo, referring to his mother, Stephanie, who recently began incorporating what she calls … Read more
SPOKANE, WA — In a story described by experts as “an inevitable moment in every child’s nightmares,” 52-year-old Craig Dobbins finally discovered the true meaning of the eggplant emoji this week—and immediately had questions. “Why is this the symbol?” Craig asked aloud at a Chili’s while holding up his Android screen, the brightness all the … Read more
BOISE, ID — After two decades of total isolation, 58-year-old Peter Langley returned to society this week with one hope: that the world would finally accept the anatomical anomaly he had long believed would change everything. That hope was crushed within minutes. “I really thought by now we’d evolved as a people,” Langley said, visibly … Read more
AUSTIN, TX — Defying all odds and several basic human instincts, 34-year-old Derek Mallory has overcome the daily challenges of being colorblind to successfully maintain deeply problematic views on race. “Everyone said I couldn’t do it,” Mallory told reporters while adjusting his red-tinted prescription lenses, “but I’ve always believed that with enough effort, hate finds … Read more
According to a new report published by the North American Behavioral Conditioning Group, early-life body shaming may be “an underutilized tool” in preparing infants for the realities of modern society. “Intervention between 3 and 7 months is ideal,” said Dr. Lynn Cartwell, lead researcher of the study. “That’s when their neural pathways are still flexible … Read more
WILMINGTON- Working hard to address a rise in teen addiction and abuse of prescription drugs, scientists believe they have finally come up with an answer to curbing this trend. In a new study to be released in two weeks, a team of top scientists argue that all prescription drugs should be converted into suppositories starting … Read more
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