AUSTIN, TX — Defying all odds and several basic human instincts, 34-year-old Derek Mallory has overcome the daily challenges of being colorblind to successfully maintain deeply problematic views on race.
“Everyone said I couldn’t do it,” Mallory told reporters while adjusting his red-tinted prescription lenses, “but I’ve always believed that with enough effort, hate finds a way.”
Diagnosed with red-green colorblindness at the age of 12, Derek was often told he’d be limited—struggling with art, traffic lights, and recognizing the difference between a ripe avocado and a hand grenade. But no one anticipated how quickly he’d adapt when it came to racial bias.
“He thought Barack Obama was white for the first four years,” said longtime friend Carl Danvers. “Then one day he got these new glasses, watched a documentary, and something just… clicked. Unfortunately.”
Sources confirm Mallory now spends most of his time arguing online, misidentifying actors in movies, and referencing “statistical patterns” in uncomfortable conversations at barbecues.
“He can’t tell a purple marker from brown,” said Derek’s boss at the local car dealership, “but he can definitely spot when someone’s ‘not from around here.’”