What started as a wholesome Sunday beach outing reportedly took a dark turn after locals discovered that the resident seal colony at Crescent Dunes wasn’t exactly observing the principles of enthusiastic consent.
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“This one seal just mounted another seal like it was nothing,” said 24-year-old beachgoer Kaylee M., who came for a walk, stayed for the trauma. “I didn’t know whether to call PETA or a therapist.”
Witnesses say the scene escalated quickly, with multiple seals engaging in what marine biologists might generously call “highly problematic courtship rituals.”
“It was like Animal Planet but with none of the narration and all of the existential dread,” said a visibly shaken man eating Pringles from behind his beach chair.
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Experts say that non-consensual behavior is disturbingly common in pinniped mating culture, but acknowledge that the sight of it happening next to someone paddleboarding with their toddler is “a lot.”
The city council has since posted a laminated sign urging visitors to “Observe Wildlife Respectfully,” which many agree does little to prepare families for watching nature do war crimes in real time.
At press time, several seals were seen basking on rocks, shameless and undefeated.