DES MOINES — A first-of-its-kind survey of American roosters released Wednesday has found that the country’s rooster population is split almost exactly evenly between those who prefer a hen with juicy thighs and those who prefer a hen with large breasts, with only 3% expressing a preference for both.
Your knife cannot cut a tomato. This is not the tomato's fault: Stuff to Buy Before Anyone Sees Your Kitchen
The survey, conducted over eleven months by an Iowa-based agricultural research institute using what its lead researcher described as “surprisingly reliable methodology,” polled 4,400 sexually active roosters across the American Midwest. Of those, 48% indicated a preference for thighs. 49% indicated a preference for breasts. 3% were, as previously noted, unusually greedy.
“We were, I want to be clear, not expecting a split this clean,” said Dr. Palmer Wexley, the survey’s lead author. “We had assumed there’d be a dominant preference. There isn’t. American roosters are just, categorically, divided.”
The findings have been published in the Iowa Journal of Poultry Behavior, a peer-reviewed publication that has, over the past decade, quietly become the leading academic resource on this specific topic, largely because no other publication has attempted to compete for it.
Brought to you by people who also sell the "Time Travel Sucks" tee.
The thigh-preferring rooster, per the survey, tended to favor what respondents described as “a hen with real ground stability,” “someone who can stand,” and “the kind of proportions that suggest a bird who’s put in the work.” The breast contingent, meanwhile, described their preference in terms one respondent summarized as “presence,” “commitment to the front,” and “just, like, a lot going on up top.”
Neither faction, sources confirmed, had a great deal of respect for the other.
“Breast guys are shallow,” said one thigh-preferring rooster, a four-year-old identified only as Colonel Buckman. “They’re looking at the wrong thing. A hen with big breasts might look good on the roost, but you put her in a real barn situation, she can’t move. She’s front-heavy. She tips.”
Colonel Buckman was asked whether he had considered that the breast-preferring roosters might have their own valid perspective.
He thought about this.
“No,” he said.
The breast contingent, when this response was read to them, expressed similar dismissiveness. One respondent, a five-year-old Rhode Island Red identified as Big Randy, said the thigh-preferring roosters were “obsessed with functionality” and had “lost sight of what actually makes a hen a hen.”
“Everyone wants a hen who can walk,” Big Randy said. “Fine. Great. Every hen can walk. That is a low fucking bar. What I’m asking about is presence. What I’m asking about is when she comes into the coop, does the coop change. Do you notice. Does the whole rhythm of the yard shift. That is what breasts do. That is what breasts have always done. Thigh guys are pretending they don’t see it. They see it. They just don’t have the courage to say it.”
Big Randy was informed of Colonel Buckman’s comment about front-heaviness.
He snorted.
“He’s insecure,” he said.
The 3% of roosters who indicated a preference for both were, sources confirmed, universally described by other roosters as “just, like, exhausting to be around.”
“You can’t do both,” said one two-preference rooster, a three-year-old Leghorn identified as Sir Peter. “That’s the whole problem. Once you know both are on the table, you can’t go back. You spend your whole life looking at every hen and running a little mental checklist, and it ruins the — you know, it ruins the moment. I don’t recommend it. I fell into it by accident. I would give it back if I could.”
Dr. Wexley said the research team is now planning a follow-up survey investigating what he described as “the wing question,” which he believes may reveal an even sharper divide.
“There are indications,” he said, “that this is not going to be as clean.”
Funding for the follow-up has already been secured, sources confirmed, from an anonymous donor who has requested only that the results be, quote, “conclusive.”
At press time, roosters across the American Midwest were, sources confirmed, continuing to look at hens.
Different roosters. Different hens. Different parts.
The hens, sources also confirmed, were aware they were being looked at.
The hens did not, sources further confirmed, particularly care.