PARIS — A comprehensive new report from the International Culinary Institute confirmed Wednesday that despite their expressive faces, their long-lashed eyes, their gentle demeanors, and their undeniable rugged charisma, horses taste, per every available metric, absolutely fucking delicious.
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The report, which drew on data from 47 countries where horse meat is legally consumed, found that the horse ranks in the top three most flavorful proteins available to the modern eater, edged out only by bluefin tuna and, marginally, elk. This is despite the horse’s persistent status in American culture as, in the words of one respondent, “essentially a big dog with better cheekbones.”
“It’s tragic, honestly,” said a culinary anthropologist based in Lyon. “The horse is charming. The horse is majestic. The horse is, when you meet him, a presence. And also, when you cook him medium rare with a red wine reduction, the horse is phenomenal.“
The report notes that horse meat is lean, iron-rich, subtly sweet, and possesses what the authors describe as “a texture that manages to be both firm and yielding, like a beef with a secret.” Chefs in Belgium, Japan, Kazakhstan, France, and Italy have long incorporated it into their national cuisines, treating the horse the way American cuisine treats the pig: reverently, thoroughly, and, ultimately, deliciously.
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American reactions to the report have been, sources confirmed, mixed.
“That is a horse,” said a 41-year-old Kentucky dental hygienist, who read the report on her phone and immediately drove to a stable to sit with her gelding for approximately forty minutes. “He is my friend. He is family. I refuse to accept that he tastes good. I refuse to even consider it.”
She was asked whether she had ever tasted horse.
She had not.
“I don’t need to,” she said. “I know what I know.”
The gelding, sources confirmed, was eating a carrot throughout the interview.
He was, per the report, delicious.
The report’s authors were careful to note that they were not, in any way, advocating for the increased consumption of horse in cultures where the animal is primarily kept as a companion or working partner. They were simply, they said, reporting the data.
“The horse is what the horse is,” the anthropologist said. “The horse is a beautiful, intelligent creature with a rich inner life and a documented capacity for forming meaningful bonds with human beings. The horse is also, when properly aged and prepared, one of the finest eating experiences available on planet Earth. These two things are, we regret to inform you, both true.”
He paused.
“We are not asking you to eat the horse,” he added. “We are simply asking you to understand that if you did, you would enjoy it.”
The report has already sparked significant discussion in the American food industry, with several high-end chefs declining to comment on the record but confirming, off the record, that they have been quietly working with horse for years.
“I would lose my restaurant if this got out,” said one chef, speaking from a walk-in cooler in Manhattan. “I have served horse tartare at private events. I have served it to very well-known people. And I want to be clear: they loved it. They loved it. But they also, every single one of them, immediately said, do not tell anyone I ate this. It’s a whole thing. It’s a whole secret world.”
Companion horses in the United States, sources confirmed, remain in no immediate danger. American horse ownership continues to grow. Horse-related tourism continues to expand. The horse, as a cultural figure, remains, per multiple polls, one of America’s most beloved animals.
The horse also remains, per every available culinary assessment, delicious.
At press time, the dental hygienist was still at her gelding’s stall in Kentucky. She had, sources confirmed, brought him two additional carrots. She had spent approximately eleven minutes stroking his mane and telling him quietly that he was safe.
He, meanwhile, was doing what horses do, which is standing there being a horse.
He was, sources also confirmed, aged approximately eight years.
He was, per the report’s methodology, entering the peak flavor window.
She did not know this.
She was, sources confirmed, going to keep not knowing this.
That, sources further confirmed, was probably for the best.