Today's unwitting financial backer: Squatty Potty — you can open it if you want.
The decision was finalized at the council’s Annual Culinary Interfacing Conference in Des Moines, Iowa, where over 730 different food items were rigorously evaluated before being vulgarly discarded. The panel, composed of industry professionals and disgraced former bakers, voted using a point-based system calculated by the patented Food Object Liaison Matrix, or FOLM-3. Treacherous attempts at dislodging the beloved bagel have included submissions of hollowed-out doughnuts, steamed broccoli, and, perplexingly, a well-aged Muenster cheese.
“It’s not the first time we’ve seen such creative desperation in the lineup,” remarked Timothy J. Herbington-Smythe, three-time panel judge and well-paid consultant on non-traditional food interactions. “While the banana’s soft interior holds some promise, the bagel’s resilience under pressure is simply unparalleled.”
Past contenders, including the Frito Pie Surprise and a tepid lasagna, failed to demonstrate the enduring cultural significance the bagel embodies. None could compete with the chewy ring’s uncanny adaptability for high-temperature applications and post-event retention, making it both practical and revered.
In a related finding, the council’s new data revealed that approximately 14% of Americans believe any food can be “humpable” with the right mindset — bread and optimism being pivotal.