PASADENA, CA — What began as a brief moment of fatherly encouragement reportedly ended in confirmation Thursday that a local 47-year-old regional sales manager is, in fact, a raging asshole.
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According to witnesses, the father of three offered his 10-year-old son what initially sounded like supportive advice during a backyard basketball game, only for the tone and phrasing to quickly reveal his true nature.
“He said, ‘Come on, don’t shoot like a little girl, you’re better than that,’” the fifth-grader explained. “I guess it was supposed to motivate me. But really it just reminded me he’s the same guy who calls the dog a socialist and honks at funerals.”
Neighbors confirmed that the sales manager routinely disguises hostility as encouragement, often telling his children to “man up,” “stop being soft,” and “aim higher, unlike your cousin.”
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“He couches it in positivity, but you can tell he’s deeply unpleasant,” said a neighbor. “It’s like a Hallmark card written by a drill sergeant.”
Experts say the man’s behavior is part of a broader pattern of men who believe their children require tough love, only to discover everyone around them just thinks they’re dicks. “Encouragement becomes toxic when it’s less about the child’s growth and more about the parent proving they’re not emotionally available,” said a family psychologist who studies aggressive parenting. “In short, he’s a raging asshole.”
Despite the backlash, the father defended his remarks, insisting they came from a place of love. “Look, I’m just trying to raise strong kids,” he said, pausing to call his daughter’s piano recital “a waste of perfectly good fingers.” “If that makes me an asshole, then fine. At least they’ll thank me when they’re older. Unless they end up losers, which is still very possible.”
At press time, the 10-year-old had reportedly resolved to practice alone in his room, where the only yelling he heard was the faint sound of his father screaming at the Wi-Fi router.