“We’ll Be Here All Day If That’s What It Takes,” Says Man Locked In Wordless Battle With His Penis

Jason Hargrove, 42, of Despair, Wyoming, has pledged to spend the full day in silent confrontation with his uncooperative genitalia. Mr. Hargrove, known around town for his tenacity with inanimate objects, finds himself at odds with what some might call a more personal adversary. Nestled in the privacy of his dimly lit bedroom, Hargrove refuses to speak on the matter, asserting his determination through lack of verbal acknowledgment alone.

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Describing himself as a master of patience, Hargrove prefers a battle of wills with his own body to more modern or conventional methods. When the neuroscientific journal Brain & Blame reported that over 53% of major life decisions result from non-verbal agreements with one’s anatomy, Hargrove undoubtedly felt validated.

There is little to be said from either side of this duel, but it has been reported by sources close to the situation that the stand-off has seen five hours pass without any perceptible change in demeanor, strategy, or outcome.

Nonetheless, some local residents have expressed mild frustration, repeatedly questioning the sense of battling one’s own physical self when solutions are frequently a mere pharmaceuticals purchase away.

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“It’s like watching paint dry on a wall that might collapse any moment,” stated local cashier Carla Jensen, unaware of any irony. “But hey, whatever works for him.”

Undaunted by doubt and mounting pressure from both his immediate circle and his lower midsection, Hargrove stands—or rather, sits—firm in his resolve. As dusk sets in, one cannot help but wonder if this silent feud will last through the night, or at least until nature ruthlessly ends it.