Science Archives - Fried Ocean

Study: Sun Still Big, Bright, Hot As Shit

Photorealistic shot of a serious-looking scientist in a white lab coat, safety glasses, and heavy-duty welding-style solar viewing goggles standing alone in the middle of an empty desert or dry grass field, holding a small clipboard and pen, looking directly up at the sun with an expression of intense professional focus.

Study confirms sun’s baffling consistency as big, bright, hot sphere; ISPC votes unanimously to uphold status quo, unsettling every horoscope.

Man Alarmed to Learn How Many Sphincters In Human Body

Editorial photo of a man in a doctor's office holding an anatomy diagram with a disgusted grimacing expression, pointing specifically at a clearly labeled sphincter diagram with one finger, doctor beside him fully reclined in chair asleep or staring at ceiling completely checked out, half eaten sandwich on desk, bright clinical lighting, no computers no laptops no sticky notes, cool neutral tones, landscape horizontal orientation, photorealistic news wire style

Roger Simms, a 34-year-old accountant from Dayton, Ohio, was reportedly alarmed to discover that the human body contains more than one sphincter, leading him to re-evaluate both his understanding of biology and his personal sense of security. The revelation occurred during an incidental deep dive into anatomical literature, which began out of sheer curiosity and … Read more

Dog Treats Promising Better-Smelling Farts Leave Owners Increasingly Exposed

Editorial photo of a man sitting on a couch leaning in extremely close to a dog's rear end with a look of deep scientific concentration, dog looking back at him completely unbothered, premium dog treat bag on the coffee table with the words 'NOW WITH FRESH SCENT' on the label, cool neutral tones, landscape horizontal orientation, photorealistic news wire style

A fast-growing category of dog treats promising better-smelling farts is quietly dismantling one of the last socially acceptable scapegoats available to American adults, according to a new consumer behavior report released Tuesday. The products—marketed under names like FreshPup Digestive Chews, GutCalm K9, and OdorLite Bites—claim to reduce the intensity of canine flatulence through probiotic blends, … Read more

Study: Ellipses Voted Most Hated Punctuation Thanks To Messaging Apps

Editorial close-up photo of two hands holding a smartphone, screen showing a text message conversation reading: 'where were you last night' / 'working late' / 'I called the office. You weren't there.' / 'Also why did a man and a donkey show up at our door asking for you' / 'I can explain everything...' followed by a typing indicator with three dots, bright natural daylight, cool neutral tones, landscape horizontal orientation, photorealistic news wire style

Messaging app users have overwhelmingly voted the ellipsis the most hated punctuation mark in modern communication, according to a national usage audit released Thursday by the Institute for Digital Tone Interpretation. The study found that 68% of respondents associate “…” with passive aggression, emotional disappointment, or a parent attempting to send a text message. Researchers … Read more

Study: Banana Peels Significantly Less Slippery Than Previously Marketed

Editorial photo of a scientist in a white lab coat standing with arms crossed, furious expression, looking down at a banana peel under his feet, bright sterile lab, cool neutral tones, vertical portrait orientation, photorealistic news wire style

In a press release that has stunned cartoon villains and children’s entertainers alike, the Bureau of Fruit Audit and Public Safety (BFAPS) reported today that banana peels are significantly less slippery than pop culture would have us believe. This update arises from the agency’s recent study, designated Form BFAPS-0967, or “Banana Peel Hazard Assessment,” conducted … Read more

Study Reveals 72% Believe Dinosaurs Went Extinct After Losing Revolutionary War

AI generated image of revolutionary war scene with humans battling a dinosaur

A new survey has revealed a stunning historical misconception: nearly three-quarters of American adults believe dinosaurs went extinct not due to an asteroid, but because they “lost the Revolutionary War.” According to researchers, respondents insisted the dinosaurs “fought on the side of the British” but were ultimately defeated by “George Washington, a bald eagle, and … Read more

Study: 72% of Adults Convinced Shakespeare Invented Electricity

AI generated image of Shakespeare holding a lightbulb

LONDON— A groundbreaking new survey released Thursday reveals that 72% of adults firmly believe William Shakespeare invented electricity, with many respondents citing his “spark of genius” as undeniable proof. According to the study, conducted by the Institute for Alarming Misconceptions, participants overwhelmingly agreed that Shakespeare “probably wired the Globe Theatre himself,” while 41% insisted the … Read more

Bees Demand Compensation for Centuries of Unpaid Pollination Internship

AI generated image of several bees in what appears to be a picket line holding up signs.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After what they describe as “hundreds of years of systemic exploitation,” a coalition of bees has formally demanded financial compensation for centuries of unpaid pollination internships, sources confirmed Monday. The group, known as the National Apiary Workers Union (NAWU), filed a petition with the Department of Agriculture alleging that pollination — a … Read more

Turns Out Beach With Community of Seals Great Place to Watch Non-Consensual Sex

Stock photo from Pexels of several seals lying at the beach

What started as a wholesome Sunday beach outing reportedly took a dark turn after locals discovered that the resident seal colony at Crescent Dunes wasn’t exactly observing the principles of enthusiastic consent. “This one seal just mounted another seal like it was nothing,” said 24-year-old beachgoer Kaylee M., who came for a walk, stayed for … Read more

Scientists: Best way to curb youth drug abuse is make all prescriptions suppositories

Image of suppositories and a fake MAHA label reading Make American Healthcare Anal

WILMINGTON- Working hard to address a rise in teen addiction and abuse of prescription drugs, scientists believe they have finally come up with an answer to curbing this trend. In a new study to be released in two weeks, a team of top scientists argue that all prescription drugs should be converted into suppositories starting … Read more

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