A 34-year-old tax accountant from Dayton, Ohio, was reportedly alarmed to discover that the human body contains more than one sphincter, leading him to re-evaluate both his understanding of biology and his personal sense of security. The revelation occurred during an incidental deep dive into anatomical literature, which began out of sheer curiosity and quickly spiraled into an unsettling education.
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The accountant, who until recently believed in the singular prominence of the anal sphincter, was caught off guard learning that a typical human body hosts over 50 sphincters. These muscular gateways include not just the infamously misunderstood esophageal sphincter but also the more clandestine pyloric, ileocecal, and the somewhat egregiously named sphincter of Oddi.
“It’s disturbing,” said the accountant upon discovering the inside story or, rather, several inside stories of his own body. “I felt safe having just one to worry about. Now I can’t stop thinking about all these other anonymous muscles, just clenching in the dark.”
The revelation has prompted the accountant to question the discretion of his own bodily functions, which he had foolishly assumed operated on a ‘need-to-know’ basis. He has since demanded more transparency from his internal musculature, though officials declined to comment.
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Insiders predict that the accountant’s newfound paranoia is unlikely to be alleviated soon. His final attempt at solace—a solemn review of the digestive tract diagram—left him only more aware of the intricate, sphincter-laden gauntlet through which his breakfast now perilously traverses.
Ultimately, the accountant has resigned himself to the unsettling reality of his anatomy, whispering a quiet oath to his digestive organs, “Do no harm.”
It turns out that all roads in the human body lead to a sphincter, and they are all toll roads. Sphincters live rent-free in the accountant’s mind now, their presence an uncomfortable, eternal truth.