Satire for emotionally resilient adults
The Farmers’ Almanac has correctly predicted winter every year for two hundred consecutive years, a record no supercomputer in Virginia can touch. Its prognosticator would like you to know this is not a cheap trick — it is the last honest business in America.
Wyoming counted its ballots Tuesday out of respect for tradition, then went out to the pasture to find out who actually won. The margin came down to a heifer born at 4 a.m. and named on the walk to the barn.
The nation’s second-highest law enforcement officer wants you to know that no one in the White House tells him what to do. He’d say more, but he’s waiting on a text back.
A man who has purchased nearly every asset class on earth spent Tuesday discovering that each one comes with a form, and that the form wants his actual hand. By 4 p.m. he was at the DMV holding number 114.
Officials insist the exit through the rear compartment of a catering truck was a deliberate projection of American strength, studied by military academies and misunderstood by the media. The catering company, which is still owed $1,900 and roughly 140 crab puffs, has notes.
Ten House incumbents got voted out Tuesday, and one of them would like to explain that nobody warned him elections were still legally binding. He blames the consultants, the AI receptionist, and a young man who committed the unforgivable act of knocking on doors.
Trump’s approval rating has cratered to a historic 33%, a number no incumbent has ever survived. A senior Democratic strategist reviewed the data, checked his own internals, and quietly asked if we’d consider not publishing them.
Seven candidates, zero front-runners, and one unanimously ratified strategy: point at each other politely until August.
Six weeks of reporting, four sources, and one laminated index card reveal how America’s oldest forecast survives on a single unfalsifiable word.
Two thousand twenty-nine feet of federally maintained water finally speaks about what it has been made to witness.