Man, 44, Takes Second Half Of Gummy, Spends Tuesday Negotiating With Dishwasher
A reconstructed Tuesday: one regional sales manager, one 10mg blue raspberry gummy, and a dishwasher that finally got an apology.
Satire
Billionaire’s Eleven-Minute Erection Above Earth Declared Gift To Humanity
An aerospace company issues a formal statement canonizing eleven minutes of its founder’s microgravity anatomy as a milestone for the species.
NFL Fines Vrabel $250,000, Equivalent To Several Minutes Of Yelling
The league’s $250,000 figure wasn’t plucked from the air — sources say it’s the output of a spreadsheet that bills sideline yelling by the second. Breaths, it turns out, reset the meter.
HOA Fence-Height Hearing Enters Fourth Hour Of Nazi Comparisons
The fence is six inches too tall, and by hour four everyone in the clubhouse has been compared to the Third Reich at least once.
Missouri Redraws District Into Single 400-Mile Line Connecting Every Republican’s House
He didn’t gerrymander anything — gerrymandering implies a salamander, and a salamander has a body. What he drew is a garden hose four hundred miles long that touches every Republican mailbox in Missouri exactly once.
Drugstore Locks Up Deodorant, Fires The Only Employee With A Key
The case is working perfectly: zero units of deodorant have left the building, with or without payment.
Man Wakes At 3 A.M. To Text Photos Of Cheese To Group Chat
A 43-year-old man rises unprompted at 2:41 a.m. to stage, light, mist, and broadcast a cheese board to a group chat that has not spoken since April.
Montecito Neighbors Devastated To Learn Prince Harry Lived There
For five years, the residents of one private Montecito drive were exquisitely, expensively incurious about the man behind the eighteen-foot ficus wall. Then a podcast ad break ruined a sound bath and a woman remembered the casserole she delivered to the wrong house.
Democratic Party Announces Bold New Strategy of Waiting to See What Happens
The Democratic Party’s new strategy fits on one slide, and that slide is blank. The second slide is also blank, but in italics, because that’s the version with urgency.
Bond Market Signals Trouble Ahead, Nation Continues Ignoring Its Most Boring Prophet
The bond market has correctly predicted nearly every economic catastrophe of the last fifty years and has never once been booked on a podcast. It has no face, no villain arc, and no merch line, which is why the country would rather hear from a shirtless man about silver.