Satire for emotionally resilient adults
Officials insist the exit through the rear compartment of a catering truck was a deliberate projection of American strength, studied by military academies and misunderstood by the media. The catering company, which is still owed $1,900 and roughly 140 crab puffs, has notes.
The federal rollout requires forty-seven injections, each administered by a distinct man named Doug, and no, a Douglas does not count. We sat down with the program’s implementation coordinator, who was extremely eager to discuss staffing and extremely unwilling to discuss medicine.
Ten House incumbents got voted out Tuesday, and one of them would like to explain that nobody warned him elections were still legally binding. He blames the consultants, the AI receptionist, and a young man who committed the unforgivable act of knocking on doors.
A national performing arts center will spend two years closed while contractors re-seat every venue inside a set of gilded letterforms. The Opera House is being compressed twelve percent, but don’t worry — they’re not cutting seats, just the people in them.
Trump’s approval rating has cratered to a historic 33%, a number no incumbent has ever survived. A senior Democratic strategist reviewed the data, checked his own internals, and quietly asked if we’d consider not publishing them.
Seven candidates, zero front-runners, and one unanimously ratified strategy: point at each other politely until August.
A regional-network color analyst explains the physics problem in asking baseball to shield fans from the ads that pay for baseball.
The Vice President used the phrase eleven times in forty minutes and declined, four separate times, to identify the sport, the score, or whether there is a ball.
Two thousand twenty-nine feet of federally maintained water finally speaks about what it has been made to witness.
A court injunction stops the White House ballroom, and America’s 1,100 organized waltzers declare themselves a displaced people.