“Flatulent Extractor” is latest in surprising string of updates for Tesla

Image of a Tesla vehicle parked on stage in front of a large screen reading Flatulent Extractor

Tesla confirmed Thursday that its latest over-the-air update will include a feature described internally as a “flatulent extraction system,” expanding the company’s software roadmap beyond driving into what engineers are calling “real-time atmospheric damage control.” The update, scheduled for release Sunday at midnight, introduces a multi-stage response mechanism embedded within the Model S climate system. … Read more

Bayonet manufacturers giddy as calls for new US Civil War grow louder

Picture of civil war re-enactors carrying bayonets. Source: Pixaby

GETTYSBURG, PA — The United States is doing what it does best: hurtling toward potential collapse while arguing over who’s to blame. With presidential approval ratings somewhere between “haunted doll” and “rotting sandwich,” and Congress functioning more like a poorly moderated Reddit thread, some Americans are now casually floating the idea of civil war like … Read more

Man’s Etch A Sketch masterpiece ruined after ground shipping snafu

Picture of two Etch-A-Sketches. One with an artistic drawing on left titled "before" and another blank on on the right titled "After"

BOISE, ID — What began as a quiet spiritual tribute on a children’s toy has ended in tragedy, after a painstaking Etch A Sketch rendering of Jesus Christ was wiped out during ground shipping. The piece, titled “Knocking”, was the magnum opus of 34-year-old Devin Raskin, who spent 14 months recreating the iconic image of … Read more

Epidemic of stoned squirrels plaguing California suburbs

AI generated image of multiple squirrels looking dazed and confused in a park

WALNUT CREEK, CA- Not everyone in California is coping well with legal recreational marijuana. The state spent years studying the legislation. The impact on tax revenue and the intricacies of the supply chain are well detailed.  However, one overlooked cohort continues to struggle with the adjustment: squirrels.  As a result, packs of the stoned animals … Read more

Turns out erection lasting only 3 hours isn’t great either

Picture of distressed man. Source: Jasper AI

In a bizarre turn of events, a man discovered that an erection lasting a full three hours is not the joyous adventure he had anticipated. Contrary to popular belief, it seems that prolonged tumescence can lead to unexpected challenges and an array of perplexing situations. Initially thrilled by the prospect of a marathon performance, our … Read more

“Who you calling cute!”  Rogue gang of cats terrorizing SF

AI generated image of gang of cats. Source: Jasper AI

A rogue gang of cats has descended upon the streets of San Francisco, leaving chaos and confusion in their wake. These feline outlaws have had enough of being called “cute” and are determined to strike fear into the hearts of unsuspecting citizens. These fearless felines are no longer content with chasing laser pointers and napping … Read more