GETTYSBURG, PA — The United States is doing what it does best: hurtling toward potential collapse while arguing over who’s to blame. With presidential approval ratings somewhere between “haunted doll” and “rotting sandwich,” and Congress functioning more like a poorly moderated Reddit thread, some Americans are now casually floating the idea of civil war like it’s a weekend Airbnb.
Today's unwitting financial backer: Squatty Potty — you can open it if you want.
While most experts agree that such a war would be catastrophic, a niche group of people are absolutely thrilled: bayonet manufacturers.
“This is the best thing to happen to our industry since the 1860s,” said a regional manager at BayonetCorp USA, the nation’s only remaining bayonet factory, and now apparently its most optimistic. “People just don’t appreciate stabbing distance like they used to. But that could all be turning around.”
After decades of irrelevance—outpaced by drones, bullets, and modern society in general—the bayonet is poised for a comeback, should America decide to finally eat itself. According to internal documents, BayonetCorp has ramped up production from “completely idle” to “we found the keys to the loading dock.”
Today we have been authorized to sell you the "We Demand Your Silence" tee.
The company’s new ad campaign includes slogans like “Back to Blades,” “Because Bullets Run Out,” and “Make Melee Great Again.” T-shirts, mugs, and ceremonial stabbing gloves are in development.
“Look, we’re not hoping for a civil war,” the manager clarified. “We’re just saying… if the country goes feral, we’d appreciate the business. And frankly, it’s about time we normalized close-quarters patriotism again.”
Analysts say the renewed interest in antique weaponry speaks to a broader national trend: LARPing the end of democracy while monetizing the merch. Political militias are already coordinating outfits, and Etsy sellers have reported a surge in requests for “apocalypse chic” tactical gear.
At BayonetCorp, morale is high and the iron is hot. Literally—they had to restart the forge using YouTube tutorials and a Bic lighter.
Whether the nation implodes or just continues its current descent into beautifully choreographed dysfunction, one thing is clear: the blade economy is back.