At this point, we all need to admit the truth: people who sneeze in public are the worst. Not just annoying. Not just disruptive. We’re talking raw-dogging contagion in 4K.
You could have stepped outside. You could have stifled it. You could’ve done literally anything other than erupt like a human confetti cannon in the middle of a quiet room. But no—you chose violence. You chose to detonate your face like it was on a timer.
“Oh, it’s just allergies,” you say, like that somehow makes it better. You know what else is natural? Volcanic eruptions. Doesn’t mean we want one in aisle seven while we’re picking out hummus.
Even worse are the repeat offenders. The double-sneezers. The serial sneezers. The people who fire off three in a row like a cursed sneeze trilogy no one asked for. These are the same people who leave shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot and say things like “It is what it is” after running over your foot.
And don’t get us started on the bystanders who yell “Bless you.” What are you blessing? The biohazard? The airborne microbe parade? Maybe just let them sit in silence and think about what they’ve done.
So if you feel that tickle in your nose and you’re in public, take a deep breath, clench your soul, and hold it in like the rest of us emotionally repressed adults. Or better yet, just go home and reflect on your life choices.