In a stunning legal twist, the U.S. Department of Justice announced it would drop all investigations into Harvard University’s admissions practices—if the school agrees to rename itself Trump U Jr.
Eight things that fix your kitchen, ranked by what they say about you: Stuff to Buy Before Anyone Sees Your Kitchen
According to officials, the offer was delivered in person by a man in a red tie and golf shoes carrying a box labeled “VERY LEGAL DOCUMENTS.”
“We believe Trump U Jr. better reflects modern American values,” said Deputy Attorney General Cole Vinton. “Mainly branding, confidence, and the right to grade your own tests.”
The proposed settlement includes several conditions:
You've read this far. The least you can do is buy the "Still Weak As Shit" tee.
- Harvard’s motto must be changed from Veritas to You’re Hired!
- Every graduate must receive a commemorative Trump steak with their diploma.
- The rowing team must be replaced with a NASCAR pit crew.
A White House press release praised the move, calling it “a long-overdue merger between elite academia and world-class deal-making.” It added that the new Trump U Jr. would “finally give America a school smart enough to name itself after greatness.”
Legal experts expressed concern, confusion, and quiet dread.
“This is like settling an SEC case with Enron by renaming the New York Stock Exchange ‘JeffCoin,’” said one law professor, requesting anonymity to avoid being forcibly enrolled.
Harvard officials declined to comment, though one insider admitted the board is “open to creative resolutions” as long as the endowment isn’t touched and Jared Kushner doesn’t become dean.
At press time, Trump U Jr. branded merchandise—including pre-scuffed diplomas and red cum laude baseball caps—was already available online for $79.99 or three easy payments of $29.99.