Confused Racist Not Taking Any Chances, Adds Zebras To His Hate List
Confused bigot Gerald Huckins justifies his new disdain for zebras, citing “dual-colored horse impostors” and a fictional nation of Zebraland.
HHS Announces $2.3B Study Investigating Whether Tylenol Can Lower Ocean Temperatures
The world’s largest Tylenol tablet is unveiled to combat climate change, promising a global temperature decrease of 0.01 degrees amid skepticism.
Cheney’s Cardiologist Confirms He’s Seen Worse, Barely
The remark was accurate, the practice confirms — it was simply made in a hallway at 6:40 a.m. by a man holding a printout he described as “more of a weather event than a rhythm strip.” Meridian Cardiovascular Partners stands behind it, and would only prefer it had happened in a conference room.
Treasury Secretary Unveils Economic Tactics So Novel Nobody Can Explain Them
The Treasury Secretary opened with a full admission that no one, including him, could explain the new economic tactics. Bond yields moved eleven basis points anyway, on the strength of one word and a kitchen sponge.
Stephen Miller Assures Nation Catering Truck Escape Was Show Of Strength
Officials insist the exit through the rear compartment of a catering truck was a deliberate projection of American strength, studied by military academies and misunderstood by the media. The catering company, which is still owed $1,900 and roughly 140 crab puffs, has notes.
Trump Vaccine Plan Requires 47 Separate Shots, Each Administered By A Different Guy Named Doug
The federal rollout requires forty-seven injections, each administered by a distinct man named Doug, and no, a Douglas does not count. We sat down with the program’s implementation coordinator, who was extremely eager to discuss staffing and extremely unwilling to discuss medicine.
Cowboys Valued At $15.5 Billion, Roughly $500 Million Per Playoff Win Since 1996
A leaked valuation deck puts the Cowboys at $15.5 billion, roughly $500 million per playoff win since 1996 — a tidy figure that requires thirty-one playoff wins. Dallas has five, and sources say the other twenty-six live in a blue spreadsheet tab labeled ALMOST.
Ten House Incumbents Discover Voters Were Serious About That Whole Democracy Thing
Ten House incumbents got voted out Tuesday, and one of them would like to explain that nobody warned him elections were still legally binding. He blames the consultants, the AI receptionist, and a young man who committed the unforgivable act of knocking on doors.
Pokémon Go Awards Free Mewtwo To Millions Who Have Been Standing In Same Parking Lot Since 2016
For nine years the lot behind the dead Bed Bath & Beyond ran on scarcity, generators, and a spreadsheet nobody was allowed to see. Then everyone on Earth got a Mewtwo for free at 6:41 in the morning, and the whole civilization discovered it had been a group chat all along.
Tourist Fined $5,000 For Waking Polar Bear That Was Having A Great Dream
Norwegian inspectors say the collar telemetry was unambiguous: the bear was swimming somewhere, and it was going well for him. Then a man who hasn’t slept properly since 2016 decided the ice needed more action.