CINCINNATI — A married couple in their late fifties was observed kissing directly on the lips at a suburban Cincinnati grocery store Wednesday afternoon, in an incident witnesses described as “unnecessary,” “unwarranted,” and “honestly kind of a lot.”
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The couple, identified as a semi-retired HVAC contractor and his wife, a part-time church organist, both 58, had been shopping in the produce section of a Kroger when the husband, sources confirmed, made a joke that she found funny. She laughed. He leaned in. She leaned in. They kissed. On the mouth. In public. On a Wednesday.
Witnesses did not recover.
“I was picking out an avocado,” said one shopper, a 34-year-old dental office scheduler, who has requested that Kroger send her a coupon by way of apology. “I turned to my right, and there they were. Kissing. On the mouth. In front of God and everyone. Their eyes were closed. He had his hand on the small of her back. She was tilting her head.“
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The scheduler paused.
“I have a therapist,” she said. “I will be discussing this with her.”
The couple, who have been married for thirty-two years, said they had not intended to shock anyone.
“We just, you know, we kiss sometimes,” the contractor said. “That’s what married people do.”
He was informed that this is not what married people do.
“No, but it is,” he insisted. “We like each other. We’ve always liked each other. I made a joke about the avocados. She laughed. I got a look in my eye. She got a look in her eye. We kissed. It was a moment.“
He was asked whether he understood how uncomfortable this had made the strangers around him.
He thought about this.
“No,” he said.
His wife, who was standing beside her husband holding a bag of Fuji apples throughout the interview, said she genuinely did not understand what the fuss was about.
“We’re married,” she said. “We’re allowed to kiss.”
She was informed that being allowed to do something is a different matter from doing it in the presence of others.
“I don’t follow,” she said.
She was informed that the vast majority of long-term married couples in America have, by their early forties, quietly transitioned to a system of dry cheek pecks, distracted forehead kisses, and, in some cases, a small nod. Full-mouth kissing between spouses, sources confirmed, is understood by the general population to be a phase of the relationship that ends approximately six months after the wedding and does not, under any circumstance, resume in a public setting.
The organist blinked.
“Well, that sounds sad,” she said.
She reached out. She held her husband’s hand.
The witnesses, sources confirmed, had to look away.
“Thirty-two years,” the dental office scheduler said, staring at a bag of shredded lettuce. “They’ve been married thirty-two years and they are still actively enjoying each other’s presence. Do you understand how disturbing that is? Do you understand what that does to a person just trying to grocery shop?”
The couple, at press time, had completed their shopping and were preparing to leave. In the parking lot, the contractor opened the passenger side door of the Subaru Outback for his wife. She thanked him. He said, of course, sweetheart. They loaded the groceries together into the trunk. He waited until she was seated before closing her door.
He then walked around to the driver’s side.
The scheduler, watching from the entrance, had to sit down.
“They’re going to go home,” she said, to no one. “They’re going to go home and they’re going to unload the groceries together. And they’re going to make dinner. And they’re going to sit at the same table. And they’re going to talk to each other.“
She paused.
“And they’re going to enjoy it,” she added. “They’re going to enjoy it.“
At press time, the couple had exited the parking lot.
They were, sources confirmed, still holding hands over the center console.
She had, sources also confirmed, put her hand on her husband’s leg at the stoplight.
He, sources further confirmed, had smiled.