Within hours of acquiring Infowars, executives at The Onion approved a new product line designed to shrink penises and lower testosterone, then moved directly into fulfillment.
Today's unwitting financial backer: a banana slicer — you can open it if you want.
The decision was categorized internally as “meeting the audience where they already are,” which in this case meant taking years of conspiracy about forced hormonal suppression and converting it into something you can order in bulk with expedited shipping.
The products were finalized before any public announcement.
ShrinkRite Gel is topical, packaged in the same aggressive visual language Infowars customers associate with imminent biological threats. Instructions advise applying “to the site of concern” and waiting for “perceptual adjustment,” a phrase that has been cleared by Legal for its ability to imply change without guaranteeing it. Early testers reported a cooling sensation followed by what one document calls “a noticeable recalibration of expectations.”
Currently accepting payment in cash, credit, and questionable life choices for the "My Conspiracy Theory Is Better Than Yours" tee.
CalmCore Tablets are taken daily.
They are marketed as reducing “internal escalation,” which functions as a stand-in for testosterone without triggering regulatory review. Reported effects include longer pauses before speaking, diminished interest in confrontation, and an emerging ability to leave online arguments unfinished. One tester wrote, “I opened the comment box and then just… closed it,” which has since been included in multiple drafts of the packaging.
The flagship product is a small wearable known as The Dial.
It arrives unmarked, with a single knob and no indicators. Users are instructed to adjust it as needed, though no guidance is provided on what “needed” means. Internal testing suggests that after several days of continuous wear, users experience a flattening of urgency, followed by a gradual loss of attachment to previously central ideas. One note reads, “I kept turning it until I didn’t care anymore,” which has not been edited.
The strategy assumes voluntary compliance.
If an audience already believes something is being done to them, the most efficient approach is to sell it to them directly and let them participate. Focus groups confirmed this. Participants initially rejected the premise, then reframed it as a precautionary measure, then purchased multiple units “just to see.” This behavior has been logged as “self-directed preemption” and is now a core metric.
The branding remains unchanged.
Infowars’ high-contrast warnings and urgent typography have been preserved, but the threat has been repositioned as a product feature. A draft insert reads: “Take control before control is taken,” followed by a checklist that begins with “Begin adjustment” and ends without offering a way to stop.
Bundles are sold as preparedness kits.
Each includes the gel, the tablets, the Dial, and a printed manual titled Managing Your Output, formatted like a survival guide. The manual contains diagrams, suggested routines, and a section on “accepting reduced performance without narrative collapse.” There is no mention of reversal.
Early user feedback has been consistent.
Time spent online decreases. Volume lowers. The need to correct strangers diminishes. One user wrote, “I feel like I was louder before,” followed by a second entry: “I don’t miss it.” Another reported forgetting why they purchased the product midway through using it, then continuing anyway.
The Onion has declined to comment publicly.
Infowars has not acknowledged the change in ownership, though the new products now appear alongside existing inventory without distinction.
The Dial does not click when it reaches the end.