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Bridle Path Strategies Announces Dual Representation In Central Park Horse Debate; Confirms Both Clients Speak For Horse
NEW YORK, N.Y. — Bridle Path Strategies LLC is pleased to announce that it has been retained by both parties in the Central Park horse debate: the Coalition for Carriage Heritage & Working Equine Tradition, and the abolitionist group Hooves Are Not Horsepower. Effective immediately, the firm will serve as the exclusive authentic voice of Dennis, a 14-year-old gelding who, according to three stable employees and one man’s collarbone, wants every person named in this release dead.
“Dennis loves to work. Dennis needs to work,” said a Coalition spokesman who has not personally touched Dennis since an incident in 2019 that he describes as “mutual.” “Take away his purpose and he’s just another guy on a couch at two in the afternoon watching reruns and waiting for the ex to text back. I know, because that was me, and I came back from it, and so can he.”
Today's questionable purchase recommendation: the "If It Fries, It Fries" tee.
“Dennis has asked us, repeatedly, in his way, to be released,” said the founder of Hooves Are Not Horsepower, a wellness-adjacent nonprofit that clears $1.4 million a year and holds its board retreats in Tulum. “Dennis is a trauma survivor. Dennis is doing the work. Dennis has boundaries now, and when he kicked our communications director in the sternum, that was Dennis modeling a boundary, and our communications director is learning to sit with that.”
Unified Messaging Across Opposing Positions
Bridle Path Strategies is billing both clients at full rate and does not consider this a conflict, as both are paying for the same product: a horse-shaped container for whatever they already believed. The firm has further licensed DennisGPT, an AI tool trained on 400 hours of ambient nickering, which generates statements attributable to Dennis for use in fundraising emails. Both clients’ donor appeals currently open with the line “Dennis can’t write this letter, so I will.”
For the record, the firm notes the following documented positions taken by Dennis this fiscal year: bit a drone, bit the drone’s operator, ate a petition bearing 11,000 signatures, and stepped with intent on a cashmere beanie while the beanie was still attached to a man explaining consent to him.
About Dennis: Dennis is a horse. Dennis has no opinion on tourism, capitalism, or the Fifth Avenue bus lane. Dennis has an opinion about proximity, and it is unanimous.
About Bridle Path Strategies: We put words in mouths that cannot form them. Founded 2011. Previous clients include a shelter dog, a dying mall, and a river.
Media Contact: Press inquiries are handled by a 24-year-old unpaid intern who runs Dennis’s Instagram and has been told not to enter the stall.
Editor’s Note: A night groom who has worked at the stable for nineteen years was asked what Dennis wants. “He wants all of you about forty feet further back than you currently are,” he said. “After that he hasn’t decided.”