In a quiet living room in suburban Ohio, a 2-year-old golden retriever named Murphy has reportedly begun exhibiting signs of jealousy and psychological unease after observing his owner engage in what appears to be a highly committed self-petting regimen.
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Sources close to the situation say the behavior began during a particularly lazy Saturday, when Murphy noticed his owner on the couch, rubbing his own shoulders with “a degree of affection usually reserved for pets or deeply loved houseplants.”
“I thought that was my thing,” Murphy reportedly told no one, because he is a dog.
Over the following days, Murphy watched in confusion as his human continued to absentmindedly stroke his own arms, legs, chest, and scalp—often while staring at a screen and muttering things like “I deserve this” or “just five more minutes.”
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Experts say this growing trend of human self-comfort has left many domesticated animals feeling spiritually redundant.
“We’re seeing an uptick in dogs questioning their entire emotional role in the household,” said Dr. Lynn Wexler, an animal behaviorist. “If the humans start doing all the petting themselves, what’s next? Throwing their own tennis balls?”
At press time, Murphy was last seen passive-aggressively licking his owner’s foot in an attempt to reassert physical dominance.
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