In a desperate and deeply on-brand bid to dominate the AI talent war, Meta is now offering top recruits a surreal compensation package: one of Mark Zuckerberg’s personal gold chains and unlimited shrimp.
New hires are flown to Menlo Park, where Zuckerberg himself reportedly greets them shirtless, ceremoniously draping a chain around their necks before ushering them into the Shrimp Pavilion, a temperature-controlled lounge featuring endless trays of ethically questionable seafood.
Sources close to the program report that:
- Chains are selected based on GitHub commit activity.
- Shrimp intake is monitored using machine learning models trained on regret.
- Anyone who refuses the chain must wear a Meta-branded lanyard for six months.
One new engineer, still adjusting his chain and digesting his fourth bowl, said:
“I got offers from Anthropic and DeepMind. But only Meta offered me a future I could taste. Literally. I’ve had 63 shrimp today. I can’t feel my hands.”