WASHINGTON — Acknowledging that the American political system has entered what aides privately describe as its “high-decibel phase,” President Donald Trump is reportedly preparing to delegate the next State of the Union address to Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.
The decision followed weeks of internal analysis confirming voters now exhibit stronger engagement with visible shouting, aggressive pointing, and upper-body urgency than with traditional policy language.
According to one campaign official, the pivot is less a gamble and more a reluctant acceptance of market reality.
“We didn’t abandon dignity,” the aide said. “We just followed it to where it died.”
Planning documents reviewed by sources outline a dramatically reengineered State of the Union experience, featuring elevated vocal output, sustained patriotic flexing, and what one strategist described as “policy, but emotionally louder.”
Capitol staff are already making quiet preparations. Reinforced podium hardware has been requested. Teleprompter glass is reportedly being upgraded to “impact-aware.” Several lawmakers have begun hydrating in advance.
One senior Hill staffer, speaking from what colleagues confirmed was the bargaining stage of grief, offered a clinical assessment:
“At this point we’re just A/B testing the collapse in real time.”
Officials insist the address will still cover the traditional pillars — the economy, national strength, and the ongoing experiment to determine whether confidence delivered at sufficient volume can fully replace competence.
Privately, however, strategists appear almost impressed by how cleanly the moment aligns with broader political incentives.
“The system isn’t broken,” one exhausted consultant noted. “It’s performing exactly to spec.”
Market signals have been immediate. Cable news panels booked emergency programming. Energy drink stocks showed unusual movement. Several civics textbooks quietly began the administrative process of becoming historical artifacts.
The Camacho-led address is expected to proceed later this year, assuming baseline institutional stability remains within what one official carefully defined as “cosmetic tolerance levels.”
At press time, congressional leadership confirmed they will attend the speech in the traditional manner: seated, expressionless, and very tired.